Customer: Where's my change?
Svetlana: In tip jar.
Customer: I didn't ask to tip $5.
Svetlana: Exactly.

Debbie: Where's your house?
Queenie: My tent's right up there.
Debbie: Your tent?

Caleb: I'm HIV positive.
Ian: I have bipolar.

I watch chocolate vanilla babies for small fee.


Sean: Does Frank still have that hippy over there?
Fiona: Yeah, doing who knows what.

What's a King without a Queenie by his side?


I just got us the house back. I'm not getting booted out.


You could do things with your tongue that would make a rattlesnake blush.


Hey Drew, I want that delivery here in an hour. If not, somebody's going to get docked.


No mass murders kids!


She wasn't taking advantage of me. We're in love!


Carl: Can't stay messed up about that bike forever.
Nick: It's not going to be forever.

Shameless Quotes

Get your ass up you goddamn ponytail Fabio motherfucker.


Sean: You took your monitor off yourself.
Fiona: So?
Sean: So, you should have waited for the P.O. and you know it.
Fiona: That's a technicality. You're gonna judge me for that?
Sean: No, I'm not gonna judge you for that. I find it charming as fuck that you took a screwdriver to your monitor. And I find it sexy as hell that you had a bloody lip before lunch today.
Fiona: Are you making fun of me?
Sean: No. It's just you're a chaos junkie, Fiona. And I'm a junkie, junkie. So I love chaos. And when I get into chaos, bad shit follows.