Customer: Where's my change?
Svetlana: In tip jar.
Customer: I didn't ask to tip $5.
Svetlana: Exactly.

Debbie: Where's your house?
Queenie: My tent's right up there.
Debbie: Your tent?

Caleb: I'm HIV positive.
Ian: I have bipolar.

I watch chocolate vanilla babies for small fee.


Sean: Does Frank still have that hippy over there?
Fiona: Yeah, doing who knows what.

What's a King without a Queenie by his side?


I just got us the house back. I'm not getting booted out.


You could do things with your tongue that would make a rattlesnake blush.


Hey Drew, I want that delivery here in an hour. If not, somebody's going to get docked.


No mass murders kids!


She wasn't taking advantage of me. We're in love!


Carl: Can't stay messed up about that bike forever.
Nick: It's not going to be forever.

Shameless Quotes

Whatever you do, do not let her bone you. That oxytocin stuff, it's like an adhesive.


Ian: Hey Fiona? I'm gay.
Fiona: I know.