Kev: Hey, this is cool. Hanging out with you, talking about all this baby stuff. You know at first, come here honey, to be honest with you, I always thought you were just some handjob whore.
Svetlana: Oh, it's okay. I thought you were illiterate bartender pimp.

Surrogate. I rent uterus like youth hostel.


You're cynical, Fiona. You're too young and pretty to be so cynical. And hard. It makes me feel sad for you.


Kev wants fucking pancakes!


You shut up, it's summer!


V: I wanted him to fail. I thought he'd be overwhelmed.
Fiona: And?
V: Jackass is a better mom than me.

After extensive research and weeks of testing, I have determined my liver can support one beer a day. I am now a cheap date. Buzzed already, like an anemic ten year old girl.


Uh, hello. Um, hi. Um, I know that you're acting out your father issues by dyeing your hair with that trashy peroxide and dry humping that man on my couch, but I don't think it's nice to expose your child to this behavior.

Sheila [to Sami]

Sheila: How are your headaches?
Frank: You can't feel a persons headache by touching his head.

V: I'm done. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.
Kev: No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. We are not doing formula. They will grow up with asthma and be short and have no friends.

I'm the one he's chosen to spend his life with. You're just one lucky sperm.


He's not my boyfriend now. He's my friend until I'm 16 and it's legally consensual for us to have intercourse.


Shameless Quotes

Sean: You took your monitor off yourself.
Fiona: So?
Sean: So, you should have waited for the P.O. and you know it.
Fiona: That's a technicality. You're gonna judge me for that?
Sean: No, I'm not gonna judge you for that. I find it charming as fuck that you took a screwdriver to your monitor. And I find it sexy as hell that you had a bloody lip before lunch today.
Fiona: Are you making fun of me?
Sean: No. It's just you're a chaos junkie, Fiona. And I'm a junkie, junkie. So I love chaos. And when I get into chaos, bad shit follows.

Lip: You are gorgeous, okay? You are sweet. You are funny. You're very smart. You know that, right?
Mandy: Shut up.
Lip: Hey, hey, I mean it, okay? You're a good person Mandy.