Carl: Knives are in the drawer if you want to do a home abortion.
Fiona: Carl!

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Get up old man.

Fiona

Use the downstairs toilet if you're so fucking desperate.

Debbie

Guess our reputation as a shit hole is still safe.

Waitress

Frank: What is the matter with you people? She was my soul mate.
Debbie: She probably killed herself just to get away from you.

I don't know how much more of that I can take without stabbing him in the neck with a broken beer bottle.

Fiona

Happy is overrated. Grow up, Fiona.

Sean

Bianca: Thank you.
Frank: For what?
Bianca: You have made me happy. I've never been very happy.

Could I possibly be doing a worse job at raising these kids?

Fiona [to Gus]

Ian, Ian, I'm finally happy. People like us, we can be happy. I love him and that's the most important thing, to find somebody to love, right? Who loves you back for who you are. I want that for you.

Monica

Why won't you ever let me be happy?

Debbie [to Fiona]

Fiona: You can't have a boy in your bed!
Debbie: Why not? You do!
Fiona: I am a grownup.
Debbie: I'm pregnant!
Fiona: No you're not. No you're not.

Shameless Quotes

Lip: What exactly does hooked up mean?
Kevin: Last I checked penis goes into the vagina.

Surround sound bitching is the only thanks I get.

Frank