So as a parent, it's my responsibility to tell you that the reason people don't like you and that you're father doesn't want to be around you, is because you're very, very needy. I just think you should know that. And then you can work on it. You're needy. And annoying. And slutty. And a bad mother.

Sheila [to Sami]

Laugh. Laugh. You won't be laughing in a year when you won't be able to afford to live here. They move in, they take over. They kick the homeless out of the park, as if they don't have a God given right to sleep there. We are dinosaurs, my friend. And a big, fat comet is headed for our sweet slice of Earth. And that comet is a Starbucks.


Sean: You took your monitor off yourself.
Fiona: So?
Sean: So, you should have waited for the P.O. and you know it.
Fiona: That's a technicality. You're gonna judge me for that?
Sean: No, I'm not gonna judge you for that. I find it charming as fuck that you took a screwdriver to your monitor. And I find it sexy as hell that you had a bloody lip before lunch today.
Fiona: Are you making fun of me?
Sean: No. It's just you're a chaos junkie, Fiona. And I'm a junkie, junkie. So I love chaos. And when I get into chaos, bad shit follows.

Svetlana: Why you done with public pool? Someone shit in it?
Debbie: No.
Svetlana: Someone shit on you?
Debbie: Sort of.

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Kev: Hey, this is cool. Hanging out with you, talking about all this baby stuff. You know at first, come here honey, to be honest with you, I always thought you were just some handjob whore.
Svetlana: Oh, it's okay. I thought you were illiterate bartender pimp.

Surrogate. I rent uterus like youth hostel.


You're cynical, Fiona. You're too young and pretty to be so cynical. And hard. It makes me feel sad for you.


Kev wants fucking pancakes!


You shut up, it's summer!


V: I wanted him to fail. I thought he'd be overwhelmed.
Fiona: And?
V: Jackass is a better mom than me.

After extensive research and weeks of testing, I have determined my liver can support one beer a day. I am now a cheap date. Buzzed already, like an anemic ten year old girl.


Uh, hello. Um, hi. Um, I know that you're acting out your father issues by dyeing your hair with that trashy peroxide and dry humping that man on my couch, but I don't think it's nice to expose your child to this behavior.

Sheila [to Sami]

Shameless Quotes

Cuz when you focus on other people's problems, it's a lot easier to ignore your own.

Sean [to Fiona]

Lip: What exactly does hooked up mean?
Kevin: Last I checked penis goes into the vagina.