South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 5 Episode 6: "Cartmanland" Quotes
Cartman: That's right! You stay out!
Stan: You can't keep us out forever, you f[bleep]ing fatass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!
Stan: Dude can you loan me 20 bucks for a new jacket?
Cartman: Ha! If you need money you can get a job Stan. No freeloaders are gonna take my hard earned cash.
Kyle: Your grandma left it to you, you didn't earn it!
Cartman: Didn't earn it? What about all those years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet spit filled kisses I put up with. The constant smell of asprin and pee. Don't tell me I didn't earn it you son of a bitch!
...And, since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance, I have to let in two more people a day to cover those expenses... Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary, so that's three more admissions a day... Cleanup crew for the bathroom, money to cover paint and upkeep, so that's about four admissions, that brings the grand total to... God-dammit! Eight hundred and sixteen people can come into the park today!
Priest Maxi: Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church.
Cartman: Huh, I think God has plenty of money.
Agent: I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred thousand dollar discrepancy. Seize the assets. (they grab money)
Cartman: H-Hey, that's my money!
Agent: There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. [takes the rest of the money]
Cartman: What? Kenny? He dies all the time!
(after hearing the story of Job in the Bible)
Kyle: That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?
Gerald: Oh. Uh, I don't know.
Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.
Little Boy: Daddy, Daddy can we ride the rockets?
Cartman: GOD DAMMIT, GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY WAY!
Dude are you from Mars or something?
I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs.
Doctor
(to God) Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama and, and you give Cartman a million dollars?
Kyle
(playing with a Jennifer Lopez doll)
Stan: There you are, Jennifer Lopez! You've been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez.
Kyle: (voicing Jennifer Lopez) No, please! I promise I'll never make another album or movie!
Stan: It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez.
Kyle: (voicing Jennifer Lopez) Have mercy!
Executor: (reading will) For you, Eric, I leave from my life savings, the sum of one million dollars, to be transferred to you immediately.
Cartman: Whosa-jigga-wha?
