South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park
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Chef: Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies to these Hollywood types and make a mint.
Cartman: What kind of cookies?
Kyle: Calm down tubby!


Say everybody have you seen my balls?
They're big and salty and brown.
Whenever you need a fix, hook me up.
Just stick my balls in my mouth.
Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls.
Put 'em in your mouth.
Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em.

Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls Song

Chef: Get them while they're hot. My all new cookies, I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma.
Cartman: Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.

Mr Garrison: Okay children I have some very exciting news for you. Why don't you tell them Mr Twig? (Garrison as Mr Twig) That's right Mr Garrison. The first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Wendy: Wow! Cool.
Kyle: They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again are they?
Mr Garrison: No, no, Kyle, these are independent films.
Stan: Oh like Independence Day? That sucked ass too.
Cartman: No dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Kyle: Does poo go to heaven?
Chef: I kinda hope not.

Stan: That theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen.
Kyle: They should project the movies on Cartman's ass!
(all laugh but Cartman)
Cartman: Nya!
Stan: Yeah, but that'd be like IMAX.
(laugh)

Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!

Cartman

Cartman: What are you doing down in a sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Mr. Garrison: Oh I was just, uh, hangin' out
Kyle: In a sewer?
Mr. Garrison: Children, do you know how to file a police report?
All: No
Mr. Garrison: Good, see ya in school! (he swims away)

Mr. Garrison: Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch again you're going straight to the principal's office!
(long pause)
Cartman: Bitch!
Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric go--
Cartman: I'M GOIN'!

You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.

Kyle

Kyle: You can't die Mr Hankey, you can't.
Mr. Hankey: (Cough)
Kyle, before I go, there's something I must tell you. Come closer Closer
Kyle: What is it Mr Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: There is another Skywalker. Uhhh (Mr Hankey dies)
Kyle: Nooo
Mr. Hankey: (Mr Hankey appears to be alive) Wait Kyle.
Kyle: What is it Mr Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: Come closer
Kyle: What is it?
Mr. Hankey: Closer
Kyle: Yes?
Mr. Hankey: Closer! (Pause) One time, when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture. Uhhh (Mr Hankey dies)
Kyle: Nooo

Mr. Garrison: The fist film showing is called 'Witness to Denial' and is a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.
Stan: Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.

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