South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 3 Episode 2: "Spontaneous Combustion" Quotes
Kyle: Hey, that went really well. They really liked it.
Cartman: Yeah, told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys.
Kyle: Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't weight 400 pounds.
Cartman: Up your ass, with broken glass!
Randy: Boys, did you notice anything strange about Kenny, in the weeks leading up to his combustion? What did he spend his time doing?
Kyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Randy: New girlfriend?
Stan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent all his time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?
Randy: Maybe nothing...maybe everything.
(Dramatic music plays in the background)
Stan: Yeah, well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nerection.
Randy: Yes, yes of course-I've got work to do.
(They leave the room)
Randy: What?
Stan: Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
Kyle: No, I don't think so.
Kenny(muffled): How 'bout this?
Kyle: No, that's a hairdryer!
Store Clerk: Can I help you find something?
Kyle: Yeah, do you have any nerections?
Store Clerk: Any what?
Kyle: I need to get a nerection for my dad.
Store Clerk: Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it.
Stan: Why is that funny?
Kyle: Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. And I heard them say it's because my dad doesn't have a nerection. So, I wanna get him one.
(The scene changes, and they're outside)
Kyle: Damn it, what the hell is wrong with everybody?!
Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of; why's it so hard to get a nerection?
Kenny(muffled): I know, it's f**kin' bullshit!
Kyle: I just wanna get a nerection so I can give it to my mom.
Random man on street: What?
(Stan and Kyle arrive at Cartman's cross, three weeks after crucifying him)
Kyle: Wow!
Stan: That's amazing!
Cartman: (Not in view) You guys, I am really pissed off now!
Kyle: You're still alive?!
Cartman: Get me down from hyah!
Stan: You survived all this time on all the fat stored up in your body?
(camera switches to show a shrivelled Cartman on the cross)
Cartman: That's right. And when I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts!
Randy: Mayor! I have it. I found out why people spontaneously combust.
Mayor: [over the phone] Why?
Randy: It's too complicated to explain over the phone.
[Cut to clipboard that says:]
Boyfriend == > Death
Girlfriend == > Death
Stan: Dad, where's our Bible?
Randy: Not now Stan, I have to figure out what makes people spontaneously combust. Or else.
Stan: Or else what?
Randy: Exactly.
Stan: What?
Randy: Right.
Newscaster: The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts. Meanwhile, the ozone layer continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion. As we all know, the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say:
Randy Marsh: Uhh, I, I don't know what to say--
(Cuts back to the newscaster.)
Newscaster: What an asshole! I hate that guy and so do you! And now onto the weather! It' f(beep)king hot! Thanks to Randy Marsh; son of a bitch.
As soon as I get my superpowers, I'm gonna smote you two assholes off the planet!
Cartman
(Kyle walks in on his parents in bed together)
Kyle: Don't worry guys, I'm getting an erection as we speak! Well actually it's Cartman that's getting the erection but after he's gonna come over and give it to you, so buck up!
(Kyle leaves)
Sheila: We have a very strange little boy Gerald.
(Randy, after having been shunned by the town, is carrying the Micheal Angelo's "David" style statue of himself like Jesus carried the cross while being pelted with rocks )
Randy: Mr. Garrison, Mr. Garrison! You've got to help me!
Mr. Garrison: I, I do not know you, sir.
(After being rescued by Chef)
Chef: Eric, i have to tell you something and it's really gonna bum you out.
Cartman: What?
Chef: It'll really piss you off.
Cartman: What, tell me!
Chef: This is just a dream, you're still up on that cross.
(Cartman wakes up an realizes he's still on the cross)
Cartman: Oh, dammit!
Stand back, people, give the little burnt boy some breathing room!
Officer Barbrady
