South Park

South Park Season 1 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 1 Episode 4: "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride"

Chef: What's the matter Stan, you seem down.
Stan: I just, I can't concentrate because my dog is gay.
Chef: Well, you know what they say. You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
Chef: Say what? You of all people should be sympathetic.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean?
Chef: Well, you're gay aren't you?
Mr. Garrison: What? What the hell are you talking about? I am not gay.
Chef: Well, you sure do act like it.
Mr. Garrison: I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ned: What are we doing here?
Jimbo: Well Ned, we usually kidnap the Middle Park mascot, but this year, we're gonna blow it up!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 3: "Volcano"

Assistant Johnson: Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.
Mayor McDaniels: My geologist? Now? Tell him that the infection is fine and that I don't need another check up.
Johnson: No, mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the Earth.
Mayor McDaniels: Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect! I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!
Johnson: I'm not in your office, mayor. I'm talking to you through a speaker.
Mayor McDaniels: Just send in the geometrist!
Johnson: Geologist.
Mayor McDaniels: You are fired, buddy!
Johnson: Thank you, mayor. It's been great working for you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Uncle Jimbo: Now boys, boys, I, I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early. Right Uncle Jimbo?
Jimbo: That's right, Stanley. Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says.
Cartman: Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off.
Jimbo: Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jimbo: What's wrong with you?
Stan: I don't wanna shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: What do you mean you don't wanna shoot the bunny? You're babbling. You're not making any sense. You're hysterical!
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.
Jimbo: What?!
Ned: Oh yeah that's right I don't think 8 year olds drink beer.
Kyle: I like chocolate milk.
Jimbo: Well, we'll be doin' plenty of drinkin' on this hunting trip. After all, hunting sober is like... fishing... sober.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa!
Kyle: Wow! That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: (in his Scuzzlebutt costume) I am Scuzzlebutt! Lord of the Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy leg!
Ned: What is it?
Kyle: Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman WASN'T lying!
Jimbo: Holy smoke! We can make a mint killing this thing!
Ned: We'll be on the cover of "Guns and Ammo".
Jimbo: This calls for some HJ-14...
Cartman: (chuckles) Those guys are totally scared...
Jimbo: Fire in the hole! (fires two missiles)
Cartman: Holy crap! (dodges the two missiles)
Jimbo: Damn it! I think I missed!
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you people?! (runs away)
Jimbo: Come on, let's move! Move!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: Dude I don't understand hunting at all.
Stan: Yeah, it's stupid, let's go watch cartoons.
Cartman: Ya! Cartoons kick ass.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: Hey, you guys. I know a scary story.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You can't scare anybody.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Have you guys ever heard of (slyly) Scuzzlebutt?
Stan: What-butt?
Cartman: Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb at the top.
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Because it loves the taste of blood and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.
Kyle: Deformed like how?
Cartman: Well... On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...
Stan: A hook?
Kyle: A knife!
Cartman: No. A piece of celery...
Stan: Celery??
Cartman: Yes. And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.
Kyle: Patrick Duffy?! Damn it, Cartman! That's not scary!
Cartman: What do you mean? Haven't you ever seen "Step by Step"?? (continues) Anyway, he lives alone on his mountain and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets... (imitates weaving sounds)
Stan: Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories!
Kyle: Yeah! Give me that flashlight!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 1 Episode 2: "Weight Gain 4000"

Stan: That's impossible! Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mayor: Kathy Lee Gifford in South Park. This is our chance to make a name for ourselves: to prove that we're not just some piss-ant, white bread, mountain town.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Stan: What's that stuff?
Cartman: Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.
Kyle: Bulk up to what? Fat ass?
Stan: Super fat ass?
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: I'm gonna be on television. I'm gonna be on television.
Stan: We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman: Oh, stop defending your girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan: Dude, dolphins aren't stupid. They're intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: Dophins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-lovin' hippy crap!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mayor McDaniels: Kathie Lee Gifford loves kids.
Mayor's assistant: When they're in a sweatshop that is!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Garrison: I'm just sorry I ruined everyone's chances to be on TV.
Kyle: Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway!
Mr. Garrison: Really? On what?
Geraldo: Obesity, anaposity, corpulence. Whatever word you use, it still represents one thing. Being a big fat ass. We have now, live via satellite, Eric Cartman, who is now so obese he can't even leave his bedroom.
Cartman: When is this gonna be on the air?
Geraldo: Do you have anything to say to the viewers at home?
Cartman: Follow your dreams. You can achieve your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake!!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mayor: Come on, people! We've got to turn this place around! Hang up those lights, put up that banner, castrate the cows!
Cows: Moo?!
 • Rating: Unrated

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