South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park

Then maybe they should die and decrease the surplus population!

Cartman

Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
Stan: Ah, we're always running late, you ugly skank.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said I can't wait to own a fishing tank.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. Well, neither can I.

Cartman: Well let's go home and start eating that candy.
Kyle: We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Hey! My mom said she was young, and needed the money!
Kyle: Cartman, those photos were taken, like, last month!

Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!

Cartman

Cartman: Where is Kyle?
Stan: He'll be here any minute... I bet I'll get more candy than you
Cartman: No way, dude; I'm the candy master!
Stan: No, you're the ass master; there's a difference.
Cartman: Hey! I'm not the one who spent all day dressing up like Pippy Longstocking!
Stan: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman: Goddammit, my mom is NOT on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!

Kyle: He was too young to be taken away from us.
Stan: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw!

Kyle: (sees Stan's costume and laughs) You look like a pansy!
Stan: Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, what are you supposed to be?
Stan: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle: Why did you dress up like Raggedy Andy for?
Stan: Wendy's coming to school dressed up like Raggedy Ann, so that way, we'll win the costume contest as a pair.
Kyle: No way, dude; I'm going to win the contest with my sweet Chewbacca costume.
(Cartman shows up at the bus stop.)
Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. (imitates Adolf Hitler)
Stan: Where'd you get that?
Cartman: My mom made it. Isn't it cool?
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Cartman: What're you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?
Stan: No. I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!
Cartman: Oh, you look pretty cool...
(Cartman and Kyle both laugh.)
Kyle: (to Stan) Sissy!
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbit's all pissed off!

Stan: Oh, look, Kennny's not dead.
Kyle: You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny.
Stan: Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
Kyle: Why is your family so poor, Kenny?
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
(Kyle, Stan and Cartman laugh; Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said: Your family had to put up a cardboard box for a second mortgage! Hear that? I'm talkin' to you, Kenny! Come on! Poor piece of crap.

Doctor: Very interesting...
Mortician: What is it, doc?
Doctor: Well, your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your eyes are all puffy and sticky...
Mortician: Oh no! You mean...?
Doctor: Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have pinkeye.
(The mortician and his assistant both gasp in horror.)
Doctor: I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch you.
Assistant: Oh, I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is...brains!
Doctor: Yeah, well, for God's sake, don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.

Cartman: Hey, all of a sudden, my costume is pretty bad-ass, huh?
Kyle: Dude, dressing up like Hitler is NOT bad-ass!
Cartman: You're just jealous. Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor!
Cartman: (mimicking Kyle) Wookies don't live in Endor!
Kyle: Well, At least my mom's not on the cover of "Crack Whore" magazine!
Cartman: What?? What did you say?

Kyle: Hey, dudes.
Stan: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Cartman: Check.
Stan: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle: Check.
Stan: Tazer?
Kyle: What's that?
Stan: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off. v

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
(Zombie Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said, your dad would be a millionaire, Kenny! Kenny?! Your family is poor, Kenny! Hey, your family's poor!
(Zombie Kenny still doesn't respond)
Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore; he just doesn't communicate.

Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 137 in total

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No kitty, this is my pot-pie.
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No KITTY, THIS IS MY POT-PIE! MOM! Kitty's being a dildo!
Liane Cartman: Well then, I know a certain kitty-kitty whose sleeping with mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do...

× Close Ad