Cartman: (about Mephesto) So, how's he doing?
Kyle: He's bleeding pretty bad back there.
Chef: Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle: What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef: I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to Wait a minute! Why am I telling you this?

Mayor: My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
Jimbo: It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those. Or who.
Narrator: Who built the pyramids? Was it- the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?

Greenfield: This story's got everything: people, furniture, talking! It's a real American story!

I just thought of something! Oh no wait, that's subtraction.

Officer Barbrady

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town. What would he do?
Officer Barbrady: Hmmm. That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that, with thinking.

Mr. Garrison: Mephisto's been shot!
Chef: Is he dead??
Jimbo: Hey, look! This window has been shot open! That means the killer was not somebody in this room!
Mr. Garrison: Well, then who was it?
Announcer: Who shot Mephisto? Was it: The school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman: (interrupting) Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer: (continues) Or was it Mrs. Broflovski?

Chef: (after lights come back on) Is everybody okay?? That sounded like a gunshot!
Officer Barbrady: Oh, my god! Look!
(Everybody sees Mephesto's body, which has been shot at.)
Kenny: (mumbling) Oh my god, they killed Mephesto!
Kyle: You bastard!

Greenfield: Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?
Announcer 1: Who will the director cast first? Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady, Chef?

Mephesto Actor: I'd like to announce who the father of Eric Cartman is...
Director: (on megaphone) Bang!
Mephesto Actor: Oh! I've been shot! (falls over)
Barbrady Actor: Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
Chef Actor: My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!
Barbrady Actor: You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef...
Chef Actor: Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!
Barbrady Actor: Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man; a man trying to do my job.
Officer Barbrady: Wow, this is a good movie!

Jimbo: Alright, so far everyone has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing
(Jimbo picks a piece of straw.)
Jimbo: (relieved) Whew!
(Mr. Garrison picks a piece of straw.)
Mr. Garrison: (relieved) Whew!
(Officer Barbrady looks at the last piece of straw in his hands.)
Officer Barbrady: Whew.
Jimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one??
Officer Barbrady: The short what?
Jimbo: Damn it, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Officer Barbrady: That's not how I played it
Mr. Garrison: Oooh, can we hurry this up? My stomach is growling

Mayor: Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?
Sid Greenfield: Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.
Cameraman: It is?

Jimbo: There's a murderer free in South Park! We have to find out who it is before they kill again!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, God only knows who they'll kill next!
Announcer: Who will they kill next? Will it be: Jimbo? Officer Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?

South Park Season 2 Quotes

Howie ho, boys!

Elton John

Cartman: I love you guys.
[A long pause as Stan and Kyle stare at Cartman]
Cartman: Ah, screw you guys.