Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South-park

Jimbo: Alright, so far everyone has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing
(Jimbo picks a piece of straw.)
Jimbo: (relieved) Whew!
(Mr. Garrison picks a piece of straw.)
Mr. Garrison: (relieved) Whew!
(Officer Barbrady looks at the last piece of straw in his hands.)
Officer Barbrady: Whew.
Jimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one??
Officer Barbrady: The short what?
Jimbo: Damn it, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Officer Barbrady: That's not how I played it
Mr. Garrison: Oooh, can we hurry this up? My stomach is growling

Greenfield: Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?
Announcer 1: Who will the director cast first? Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady, Chef?

Chef: Doctor, we've got a shot-cracker outside!
Doctor: I'll be right with you in a minute, right after I inject this man with a long needle.
Stan: Oh, man. I'm gonna be sick...
Doctor: There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of. (injects the needle and Stan groans)
Nurse: Ooh, I think you're hitting the bone...
(Stan groans again.)
Doctor: Yes, I can feel the needle scraping in there.
(The patient starts bleeding.)
Doctor: Oop! He's hemorrhaging.
(Blood lands near Stan as he leaps away and shrieks; the patients head then falls off.)
Doctor: Oop! His head fell off!
Stan: (running away) I'm getting outta here!
Kyle: Stan!
Doctor: Well, some people just have a weak stomach.

(As Steve Irwin) Look! A king croc! (Walks up to a cow) Now, what I'm going to do, is jam my finger up it's... (The cow sits on him, then gets up, with Cartman stuck in his butt) Hey, get me outta here! Huh, kinda smells like Kenny's house in here!

Cartman

This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freeman's. I'm really pissing him off right now.

Steve Irwin

(Stan and Kyle are still fighting when Kenny is pulled under the conveyor belt and killed)
Stan: Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
(A long silence as Stan waits for Kyle to say his usual line, "You bastards!")
Kyle: What?! I'm not talking to you!

(after Kyle fell into the cave)
Kyle: Is Cartman up there?
Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman, you f(beep)king hunk of fat, rat-f(beep)king hunk of pig-f(beep)king ass fat.
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy!

That was quite an angry croc, but I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week, we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching.

Steve Irwin

I'm gonna jam my thumb up this cow's butt.

</i> Cartman
Displaying quotes 19 - 27 of 287 in total