Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central

Cartman: Suck my balls.
Ms. Choksondik: Present them.
Cartman: What?
Ms. Choksondik: Present: Whip them out and I'll suck 'em.

I'm gay! I'm gay as a gymnast on shore leave!

Mr. Garrison

Brother Stevens brought his guitar so we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie.

</i> Mormon

Cartman: (preaching) Right here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly. Do you believe He is going to cure your face of the uglies?
Ugly girl: Yes!
Cartman: He's going to take that face and make you reasonable to look at!

(while "healing" Kyle) Right now, all the Jew-ness is coming out of your body!


We're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life.


I just came here because I needed closure!


Satan: (finishing his explanation of his problem to God) and now Chris and Saddam just keep killing each other over and over, and I don't know which one to pick.
God: (pause) Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Satan: Huh?
God: You got kicked outta here for being a head-strong rebel, and now you're a whiny little bitch.

Friends, I have to tell you that last night, I received a phone call from beyond the grave! It was our departed friend Kenny...calling from the depths of hell. And he described what hell is like in horrid detail. He said that in hell, the smell is awful...he said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish. (crowd gasps) He said that there is water in hell, but if you drink it, you pee blood out your ass for seven hours! And perhaps worst of all, in hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores; but they all have the same little trinkets in them!

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