South Park

South Park Season 5 Quotes (Page 13)

Season 5 Episode 1: "It Hits the Fan"

Randy: That word's kind of getting old. It's not really funny anymore.
Man: Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear word now.
Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't use "fag." Because you can't say "fag" unless you're a homosexual.
Randy: Really? So we can't say (bleep)?
Mr. Garrison: No. See, you got beeped.
Man: You mean you have to be a (bleep) to say (bleep)?
Mr. Garrison: That's right.
Jimbo: Hell, that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag."
Randy: Hey, you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh, oh.
Mr. Garrison: Well well well! Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something?
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: I'd scarf down a whole wet bucket full of s**t before I ate another plate of meecrob.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: Detective Sandy Vagina here thinks that "s**t" might have something to do with everyone getting sick.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chef: I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to.
Stan: Yeah, and Kenny didn't die!
Kenny: (muffled) Yeah, and I didn't die- (pukes out his intestines and dies)
Stan: Holy sh- I mean, poop.
Kyle: Yeah. Poop.
Cartman: I love you guys...
 • Rating: Unrated

Old Woman: Why that store has such lovely s**t.
Old Man: Yeah. Too bad I don't have s**t for cash right now.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: You guys, look here. In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina!
Kyle: Cartman, this is serious!
Cartman: So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Garrison: And so children, instead of saying "Hand in your papers." I may now say "Hand in your s**t." Any questions?
Filmore: What about "I have to take a s**t"?
Mr. Garrison: No, no Filmore, you can say "I have to poop and s**t," or "Oh, s**t, I have to poop," but not "I have to s**t." Are we all clear?
 • Rating: Unrated

Ms. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example, "The weather outside is s**tty." However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example, "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet bowl s**tty, and I had to clean it with a rag, which then also became s**tty." That's right out!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: Chef, do you know where "s**t" comes from?
Chef: Uh, from your ass, children.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Cartman: Don't mind Kyle, everyone. He's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!
Ms. Choksondik: Boys, watch your language! Shit!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kyle: Dude! They're gonna say "s**t" on television??
Stan: You can't say "s**t" on television!
Cartman: It was just on the news! People are freaking out, dude.
Stan: Holy ****ing s**t!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Cartman: You guys! You guys! Oh my god! Oh my god, you guys!
Kyle: What, doughboy?
Cartman: I was... (catches breath) I was just watching the TV and they had this commercial.
Stan: So?
Cartman: So... Guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show "Cop Drama"?
Kyle: What?
Cartman: No, c'mon, guess! They're gonna say something that's never been said on television!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess.
Kyle: Goddamit, Cartman! What are they gonna say on "Cop Drama"?
Cartman: Okay, you ready? Tonight...on "Cop Drama"...on TV,...they're gonna say... (looks to the left and right) "s**t".
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: I can't belive they actually said it...
Cartman: Dude, you missed it, Kyle! It was so awesome!
Kyle: (sarcastically) Well, I hope it lived up to all the hype. You must feel so much better now.
Cartman: Kyle, you've got to get that sand out of your vagina; it's making you cranky. Does it itch?
Kyle: Do you really think anything's gonna be any different now? Do you really think that this will have the tiniest smallest effect on the world? It's still the same old world out there. Look! (opens door and the boys see frogs falling from the sky)
Kyle: What the hell...?
Cartman: Whoa, dude. It's raining frogs...
Kyle: (walks away) Oh, whatever!
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite "South Park" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!