South Park

South Park Season 5 Quotes (Page 8)

Season 5 Episode 7: "Proper Condom Use"

Butters: Oh geez, I don't wanna get the AIDS fellas.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
Cartman: (in panicking voice) I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle: Sure.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: That's what it's called when you milk a dog; Beating it off. God, don't you guys know anything?
 • Rating: Unrated

Sheila: I think my boy does need to learn about sexual educationfrom the school.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ms. Choksond**k: Here's a little picture of Herpes...
(She shows the picture and the girls scream.)
Ms. Choksond**k: And here's a little Syphilis for you...
(She shows another picture and the girls scream again.)
Ms. Choksond**k: That's right; unless you get your boyfriends to wear condums, you can AND will get these diseases!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Mackey: Penis or vagina! Right, oral sex. Mmkay.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 6: "Cartmanland"

Cartman: That's right! You stay out!
Stan: You can't keep us out forever, you f[bleep]ing fatass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!
 • Rating: Unrated

Executor: (reading will) For you, Eric, I leave from my life savings, the sum of one million dollars, to be transferred to you immediately.
Cartman: Whosa-jigga-wha?
 • Rating: Unrated

(playing with a Jennifer Lopez doll)
Stan: There you are, Jennifer Lopez! You've been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez.
Kyle: (voicing Jennifer Lopez) No, please! I promise I'll never make another album or movie!
Stan: It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez.
Kyle: (voicing Jennifer Lopez) Have mercy!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: (to God) Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama and, and you give Cartman a million dollars?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Doctor: I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: Dude are you from Mars or something?
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: (crying while on his Logride) I'm so happy!
 • Rating: Unrated

(after hearing the story of Job in the Bible)
Kyle: That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?
Gerald: Oh. Uh, I don't know.
Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Agent: I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred thousand dollar discrepancy. Seize the assets. (they grab money)
Cartman: H-Hey, that's my money!
Agent: There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. [takes the rest of the money]
Cartman: What? Kenny? He dies all the time!
 • Rating: Unrated

Priest Maxi: Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church.
Cartman: Huh, I think God has plenty of money.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Cartman: ...And, since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance, I have to let in two more people a day to cover those expenses... Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary, so that's three more admissions a day... Cleanup crew for the bathroom, money to cover paint and upkeep, so that's about four admissions, that brings the grand total to... God-dammit! Eight hundred and sixteen people can come into the park today!
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Dude can you loan me 20 bucks for a new jacket?
Cartman: Ha! If you need money you can get a job Stan. No freeloaders are gonna take my hard earned cash.
Kyle: Your grandma left it to you, you didn't earn it!
Cartman: Didn't earn it? What about all those years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet spit filled kisses I put up with. The constant smell of asprin and pee. Don't tell me I didn't earn it you son of a bitch!
 • Rating: Unrated

Little Boy: Daddy, Daddy can we ride the rockets?
Cartman: GOD DAMMIT, GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY WAY!
 • Rating: Unrated

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