The Big Bang Theory
Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBSThe Big Bang Theory Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot" Quotes
Penny: So, what do you guys do around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money
[on their way to pick up Penny's TV from her ex]
Sheldon: And why can't she get her own TV?
Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon: No, I don't and neither do you.
Leonard: But I -- I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon: You did not break-up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard: To mend her broken heart
Penny: And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. My stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No
Leonard: Sheldon, I am so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon: It's ok. It wasn't my first pantsing, and it won't be my last.
Leonard: But you were right about my motives. I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have someday led to sex.
Sheldon: Well, you got me out of my pants.
Penny: I'm a vegetarian. Well, except for fish, and the occasional steak. I love steak!
Sheldon: Well, that's interesting. Leonard can't process corn
Sheldon: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care—two millimeters?! That doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: No, it's true! I did a series of experiments when I was twelve; my father broke his clavicle.
Leonard [referring to him and Penny]: Our babies would be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary
[at the high-IQ sperm bank discussing donating...]
Sheldon: What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't
Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it
Leonard: At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them, they are there!
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that's the point
