Penny: Think we'll have time to visit your mom while we're there?
Leonard: Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I'm not doing that either.

Sheldon: Aren't you afraid of being blinded?
Leonard: How would I be blinded?
Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

Bernadette: Howard, you're grown men. You guys don't have to do everything together.
Howard: I know, that's why I'm spending tonight with you.

Penny: [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon!
Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon: I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

Just this morning, Sheldon wouldn't let me put almond milk in my Grape Nuts because he said it was a theoretical nut conflict.

Leonard

Sheldon: [singing] The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.
Leonard: That’s pretty cool, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyonce? I’d love her to get behind it.

Wil Wheaton: Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say she played you like a violin?
Leonard: Yes it is, Wil.

Amy: Is this how the rest of the night's gonna be?
Sheldon: I don't know the future.

Penny: What?! A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?
Wil Wheaton: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.

What if he's in prison? What if he's a spy? What if he's in a Beatles cover band? I'm just saying if he's got your nose and haircut, he'd make a killer Ringo.

Raj

Sheldon: I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated.
Howard: Something happened different from the way you wanted it.
Sheldon: I guess news travels fast.

Sheldon: Is that the attitude to helped you get Penny?
Leonard: No, but I don't have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.

Howard: Attention people of Earth: Tonight, there will be two moons in the sky.