To paraphrase T.S. Elliot, this is how the world ends, not with a bang but with a nephew.

Sheldon

Amy: I'll let you in on a little secret. Originally, we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
Penny: Yeah, good call.
Amy: But, if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
Penny: You're talking about the painting, right?
Amy: Sure.

I'm trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.

Sheldon

Amy: Goodnight, Painting Penny. Goodnight, Real Penny.
Penny: Goodnight, Real Amy.
Amy: You don't have to say goodnight to Painting Amy, because she's never leaving. Bernadette: Goodnight, Real Penny. Goodnight, Transvestite Penny.

Leonard: It's going to be difficult to find something you are both equally good at.
Raj: Is there anything you are both equally bad at?
Sheldon and Kripke: Sports.

Penny: It's kind of heavy
Bernadette: Too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting.

Kripke: Well, as long as we are here I might as well take a leak.
Sheldon: Kripke, you're in my spot

Sheldon: If you're interested I can send you a link to a YouTube video that would show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Helpful hint: trim your nails first.

Now? You realize I'm your boss and I'm holding my penis.

President Siebert

Before I met you, I was a mousey wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown-hipster-party girl with a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things.

Amy

I'm glad men are wearing hats again. They are so distinguished.

Raj

Howard: Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette: In May, you're gonna be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They got a phone.

The Big Bang Theory Season 5 Quotes

Howard's mother: Speak up!
Howard: From now on she's the only woman who can yell at me!

Penny: It's kind of heavy
Bernadette: Too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting.