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Jim: Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you?
Pam: And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer?
Jim: Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe.
Pam: You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home.
Jim: Wish you were home. Uh, anyway...
Pam: Anyway, um... I miss you.
Jim: I miss you.

Darryl: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy."
Michael: Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.
Michael: Well-
Darryl: You feel connected to his baby over there?
Michael: It's ... that's different.
Darryl: You feel connected to this? [holds up a back brace]
Michael: That's not a baby.
Darryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?
Michael: Could I?
Darryl: No.

Michael: Hey guys.
Darryl: What's up, Mike?
Michael: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl: You a baby daddy?
Michael: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.

Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
Jan: Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a tub?
Jan: Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb.
Kelly: Um, so you're in the tub with everything?
Jan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah.
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed: Ugh.
Stanley: I'm done.

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Assst...
Jan: trid.
Michael: ...trid Levinson. Hi! Astrid, this is everybody, look. This is your family. You're going to know them for the rest of your life.
Jan: Well...
Michael: [looking at Creed] Well, he may not be here.

Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.


Michael: Ahoy, matey.
Holly: Ahoy.
Michael: Ahoy. So, how you doin'?
Holly: Good.
Michael: Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way.
Holly: Of course. Yeah.

I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine.


Phyllis: Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower.
Kevin: But Phyllis, it's not his baby.
Phyllis: I know, Kevin.
Oscar: Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?
Phyllis: Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.

Michael: Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks?
Phyllis: No.
Michael: Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments?
Angela: Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name "Astird."
Phyllis: That can't be right.
Angela: Michael wrote down "Astird."
Michael: She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...
Meredith: Ass...turd.
Michael: I know. I know. It is beautiful.

Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.


I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

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