Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt! [awkward silence] No it's not, not like penis-wise.

Michael

If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Michael

Michael: It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!
Jim: I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa.
Michael: Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can ... I ... you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.

Michael: Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see.
Pam: Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis.
Michael: What the hell is going on?

Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy!

Pam

For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea ... for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, only to find himself... IN JAIL!

Dwight

Pam: So Santa, what can we expect from this party?
Phyllis: It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good!
Creed: What if you've been bad?
Phyllis: Oh, then nothing but a lump of coal for you!
Creed: What if you've been really, really bad? Like more evil, and strictly wrong.
Jim: Okay, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal.
Phyllis: Yeah ...

I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim 11 weeks ago, and he said I could do it. It's been a long journey... but [sniffs] I'm Santa Claus!

Phyllis

I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the 12 days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically 30 birds?

Andy
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