Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight

Dwight [Reading suggestions for health care coverage]: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.

Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.

Dwight: Count Choculitus.
Jim: Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?

I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and openmindedness... openmindedness, is that a word? Um... into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed (holds up the paper) Daffy Duck. (laughs) He's gonna lose it when he reads that.

Michael

Michael: You know what, here's what we're going to do. Let's go around and everybody, everybody, name a race you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. (Dwight raises his hand) Go!
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.

Kevin: [to Angela, who is role-playing as a Jamaican] Do you wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: Do you wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do... mon.

[after role-playing exercise] You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.

Michael

Jim: Thanks Dwight.
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: *That* is not the expression
Dwight: Well it should be.

Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

Michael

My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17 percent, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No no no. It was a young Guatemalan guy, first job in the country, barely spoke a word of English, but he came to me and said, "Mr. Scott, will you be the godfather to my child?" Wow... wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Michael

The Office Quotes

Pam: So I closed the door but the image of his...
Jim: Baquette.
Pam: ... dangling participle...
Jim: Eww.
Pam: ... still burned in my eyes.
Jim: I can imagine.

Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.

Darryl