Season 6, Episode 6: "Mafia"
Michael: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se but I would just get really quiet all of a sudden.• Rating: 9.5 / 10 • Permalink
Kevin: I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar, I'm not like you.
Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would LOVE jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail.
Kevin: Because [pauses] you would love it.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Michael: I will have the spaghetti. With a side salad.
Waitress: Ok.
Michael: If the salad is on top, I send it back.
• Rating: 9.7 / 10 • Permalink
Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office, to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed. 'Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Michael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Andy: [to woman] So your car's totaled. Uh. You should probably wanna get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it he's great but uh ... I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You've seen how the sausage gets made, come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: What you people don't know, about business I could fill a book with.
Ryan: Then do it.
Michael: What.
Ryan: Write a book.
[cut to Michael in his office]
Michael: The Fundamentals of Business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible. I'm not surprised. Chapter one...
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Michael: Erin. Coffee.
Erin: Ok.
Michael: Not from the kitchen. Stop & Shop. If it's not Stop & Shop I send it back. Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra-large I send it back.
Erin: How do you return coffee?
Michael: Go.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Michael: What topics, can you use for small talk?
Andy: Golf, stock market, Dave Matthews-
Michael: Yes, what else?
Creed: Small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes.
Michael: No.
Meredith: The weekend.
Michael: Yeah! That's good! Come on up, Meredith. Come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I just started conversing, and I will say, "so Meredith, how was your weekend? What did you do?"
Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper-part of the toilet... he calls it an "upper decker."
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Total Quotes: 1711
