Meredith: [reading birthday card] This one's from Michael, "Let's hope the only downsizing this year is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're old.
Meredith: I get it.
Michael: Meredith is so old...(how old is she?) Meredith is so old, that when she went to an antique store, they kept her. I got that off the internet, it's not mine. Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called she wants her age back and her divorces back! Get it? 'Cause she's getting old, and she's been divorced what, twice?

I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.

Michael

Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Jim

Michael: There's a decision that needs to be made. And I'm having an unbelievably busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim: Gosh.
Michael: Yeah!
Jim: That is a great offer.
Michael: Yeesh!
Jim: Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.

The most sacred thing I do is care. And provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right, that's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... yes. In a way. Yeah, like a specialist.

Michael

Dwight: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because, if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight
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