The Office

The Office Season 2 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 2 Episode 21: "Conflict Resolution"

Michael: [reading Dwight's complaints] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer... Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert... Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [to camera] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael: What?
Jim: And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dwight: Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Alright, Kevin... you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela, that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that make him feel uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Creed... Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day, and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam: Nice.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only." Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Okay, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct "old man smell?"
[cut to interview]
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jim: Yeah. I mean, it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life, and we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 20: "Drug Testing"

Michael: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I had scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act, this beautiful girl sits down next to me. And I never get to meet girls with lip rings. And she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened, but one of her friends started passing around some stuff. And they said that it was clove cigarettes. And I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can't do that.
Michael: I can test anyone randomly. And I have chosen you, randomly.
Toby: That's not random.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael: Yes, it is.
Toby: No, it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or flavored...
Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, could you take this down?
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Oscar went to Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to an United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ryan: Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urine analysis lab?
Ryan: Yeah. Maybe.
 • Rating: Unrated

Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: So, you are all going to have a drug test. And I am not.
Dwight: No, you will be tested.
Michael: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight: No, you will be. That is the law, according to the rules.
Michael: OK, well, Dwight, just know that I've been very busy today, and I've got a lot of work to do, and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom, and I don't even know if anything's going to come out.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: All better.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Okay, attention everyone. The drug testing has been canceled. Instead I will be going around to each of you, and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight: No, you can't do that.
Michael: I can do that, it's my office, and...
Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and IT HAS TO BE URINE.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Do you know what this is?
Phyllis: Yes. It's marijuana.
Dwight: How do you know that?
Phyllis: It's labeled.
Dwight: Dammit.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
 • Rating: Unrated

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