Two queens at casino night... I am gonna drop a deuce on everybody.

Michael

Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.

Pam

Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby?
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children, since it's uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a school night, and you know, Hooters is catering, and is that - is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it... not that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be.

Pam: It's a nice tux.
Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so... family heirloom.

Michael: Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
Angela: You already did me.
Michael That's what she said.

Dwight: I have a girlfriend.
Jim: Sure you do.

I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Dwight

Michael: Here's a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Join the club.

[reading Dwight's complaints] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer... Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can."

Michael

Michael: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert... Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [to camera] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.

Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael: What?
Jim: And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Dwight

The Office Season 2 Quotes

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm...easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael

Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Dwight