Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and um Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!

Homer

Selma: What a cheap date.
Moe: I'm not cheap baby. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. There's a big difference.

I didn't get anybody pregnant. I didn't Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!

Bart

That school is so great. Teachers teach so much better when they're paid in money and not chickens.

Lisa

Marge: A lot of people sound like Sideshow Bob. Like Frasier on Cheers.
Homer: Or Frasier on Fraiser.
Marge: Or Lt. Cmdr. Tom Dodge in Down Periscope.

Ralph: What's a battle?
Principal Skinner: Hahahaha, lets go.
Superintendent Chalmers: Did that boy say what's a battle?
Principal Skinner: No he said What's that rattle, it's about the heating duct.
Superintendent Chalmers: Hmm, it sounded like battle.
Principal Skinner: I've had a cold, so--
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh so you hear r's as b's?

Ha, Ha! I touched your heart!

</i> Nelson

Marge: We're too late!
Cobb: I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.

Why is there a steering wheel in my bedroom?

Otto

Texan: Look at all them stars How many do you think there are?
Homer: Two.

Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Ho-Ju!
Bart: ...I'll get back to you.

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Lets see. It was the best of times, it was the "blurst" of times! You stupid monkey!

Mr. Burns

The Simpsons Quotes

Sir, I got carsick in your office.

Ralph

Mr. Burns: (reading Homer's letter) "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why Simpson, you've made my day, you're a true gentlemen.
Homer: Well I-
Mr. Burns: Hello, there's more. (continues reading) "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile bucktoothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"