The Simpsons Season 1 Episode 5: "Bart the General" Quotes
Grandpa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.
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Herman: We got the water balloons?
Bart: Two-hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman: Ugh, well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.
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Goon #2: Nelson, you're bleeding.
Nelson: Nah, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me. (Sniffs) Hey, wait a minute. You're right. (to Bart) You made me bleed my own blood!
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Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
Bart: What can he do?
Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.
Bart: He is?
Lisa: Yeah. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
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Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No, there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser--
Homer: Bart! You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing.
(Homer pats his leg and Bart sits on his lap.)
Homer: Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
Lisa: I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher.
Homer: Sure, Lis. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake her, a good grade there.
Lisa: Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.
Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and--
(Homer grabs one of Lisa's cupcakes.)
Lisa: Oh, brother.
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Marge: This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side?
Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
Marge: Mm-hmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
Marge: That's why he lashes out at the world.
Homer: Oh, Marge.
Marge: So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go.
Homer: Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.
(Homer takes Bart by the hand.)
Homer: Let's go, boy.
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Grampa: Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.
Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard! Now, let's see.
(Herman pulls out a map and spreads it out on the counter.)
Herman: Ah. Okay. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First you'll need a declaration of war.
(Herman pulls out a document.)
Herman: Uh, ah! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson."
(Herman mutters to himself as he doctors up the declaration of war.)
Bart: (to Grampa) Psst! Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind. We can't fail!
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(Grampa and Bart pay a visit to Herman's Military Antiques.)
Herman: What's the password?
Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
Herman: Right you are!
(Herman lets them in the store.)
Grampa: So, Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Solider Of Fortune come in yet?
Herman: Uh, not yet. But, can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants?
Grampa: No! Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.
Herman: Ah. Hello, young American.
Bart: Hello, sir. Uh, Mr. Herman?
Bart: (Stutters) Did you lose your arm in the war?
Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
Bart: Yes, sir, I will.
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Okay, our main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat, the other will drive in this way, closing the trap. It's a classic pincer's movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old!Herman
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Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners. Only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library--many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
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Armistice treaty, article four. "Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five. "Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six. "Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood."Herman
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Bart: Okay, we all know why we're here, right?
Milhouse: No, why?
Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it! I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But the one thing I do know--
(All the boys file out.)
Bart: Whoa! Whoa! I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
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