The Simpsons Season 1 Episode 5: "Bart the General" Quotes
Grandpa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.
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Herman: We got the water balloons?
Bart: Two-hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman: Ugh, well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.
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Goon #2: Nelson, you're bleeding.
Nelson: Nah, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me. (Sniffs) Hey, wait a minute. You're right. (to Bart) You made me bleed my own blood!
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Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
Bart: What can he do?
Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.
Bart: He is?
Lisa: Yeah. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
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Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No, there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser--
Homer: Bart! You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing.
(Homer pats his leg and Bart sits on his lap.)
Homer: Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
Lisa: I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher.
Homer: Sure, Lis. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake her, a good grade there.
Lisa: Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.
Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and--
(Homer grabs one of Lisa's cupcakes.)
Lisa: Oh, brother.
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Marge: This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side?
Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
Marge: Mm-hmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
Marge: That's why he lashes out at the world.
Homer: Oh, Marge.
Marge: So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go.
Homer: Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.
(Homer takes Bart by the hand.)
Homer: Let's go, boy.
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Grampa: Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.
Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard! Now, let's see.
(Herman pulls out a map and spreads it out on the counter.)
Herman: Ah. Okay. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First you'll need a declaration of war.
(Herman pulls out a document.)
Herman: Uh, ah! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson."
(Herman mutters to himself as he doctors up the declaration of war.)
Bart: (to Grampa) Psst! Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind. We can't fail!
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(Grampa and Bart pay a visit to Herman's Military Antiques.)
Herman: What's the password?
Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
Herman: Right you are!
(Herman lets them in the store.)
Grampa: So, Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Solider Of Fortune come in yet?
Herman: Uh, not yet. But, can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants?
Grampa: No! Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.
Herman: Ah. Hello, young American.
Bart: Hello, sir. Uh, Mr. Herman?
Bart: (Stutters) Did you lose your arm in the war?
Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
Bart: Yes, sir, I will.
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Okay, our main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat, the other will drive in this way, closing the trap. It's a classic pincer's movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old!Herman
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