Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX

You may remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid."

Troy McClure

(The Simpsons are watching TV)
Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture?
McGonigle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.
Homer: Ah, McGonigle: eases the pain.
Chief: You're off the case, McGonigle!
McGonigle: You're off your case, Chief!
Chief: What does that mean exactly?
Homer: (yelling) It means he gets results, you stupid chief!
Lisa: Dad, sit down.
Homer: Oh, I'm sorry.

Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one-hour photo, instant oatmeal society.
Bart: What's the answer?
Lisa: Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity. May I suggest good-natured doormat?
Bart: Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do.

Edna: The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tell me what his first message was?
Bart: Uh
Milhouse: I want-a change-a my name!
(Everyone laughs)
Edna: (chuckling) Oh, good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first message by wireless?
Bart: It was
Martin: Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp!
(everyone laughs)

Wow, for free! Surplus drums of mayonnaise from operation "Desert Storm!"


Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies?
Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad.
Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.
Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame.
Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.
Homer: I feel validated by that.
Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk.
Homer: Me too.

Troy McClure: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in "impr-you-vement"--Brad Goodman!
Brad Goodman: Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way, I'm not happy you're still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than fifty.

Patty: (to Marge) Your blood pressure is off the chart.
Selma: And I don't like this urine sample one bit.

Groundskeeper Willie: (Speaking into a microphone) If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!
(A man whispers something into his ear.)
Groundskeeper Willie: I know it's on!

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