The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 3: "Homer Goes to College" Quotes
Benjamin: Come on, Mr. Simpson, you'll never pass this course without learning the periodic table.
Homer: I'll write it on my hand.
Benjamin: Hoh! Including all known lanthanides & actinides? Good luck!
I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Gary: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Simpson, we can take care of ourselves.
Snake: Uh, wallet inspector!
Benjamin: Oh, here you go. I believe that's all in order.
Snake: Wow, I can't believe that worked! (runs away)
Homer: Hey wait a minute that's not the wallet inspector!
Homer: But Marge, we're college guys and we're up to no good!
Benjamin: Mr. Simpson, Gary spilled his ear medicine.
Homer: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
Homer: (reading his college rejection letters) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Woohoo! A flyer for a hardware store! D'oh!
Bart: Well, Pop, what are you going to do?
Homer: Something I should have done a long time ago.
Marge: You don't know, do you?
Homer: No, ma'am.
(writing) It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.
Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...
Mr. Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.
Marge: Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
(The lawyers confer with each other)
Lawyer: Yes, he would.
Aw, you guys are pathetic. No wonder Smithers made me head bee-guy.
Marge: An A+, how did you do it?
Homer: Oh, lets just say I had help from a little magic box!
Marge: You changed your grade with a computer?
Lisa: Nerds are nothing to fear, Dad. In fact, some nerds of note include popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and Supreme Court Justice David Souter.
Homer: Oh no! Not Souter! (buries face in hands) Oh nooo!