The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Episode 13: "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment" Quotes
(about Hell) Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
Bart
(While in Sunday School; Bart raised his hand)
Mrs. Albright: Yes, Bart?
Bart: Are there pirates in Hell?
Mrs. Albright: Yes, thousands of them.
Bart: (rubs hands) Hoo hoo, baby!
(In bed, Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.)
Marge: But Homer, I'm afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.
Homer: (Sternly) Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.
Marge: No--
Homer: But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot)
Marge: Oh, Homer.
Homer: Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down.
Marge: No, Homer! Not--
Homer: (Sticks foot over floor) It's coming down. My foot, it's--
Marge: No!
Homer: That's it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. (Slams foot down)
Oh, cool! This is where "Jaws" eats the boat! Man, this is where "Die Hard" jumps through the window. (Laughs) Whoa! This is where "Wall Street" gets arrested! (Chuckles)
Bart
(Moses appears before the Israelites with the Ten Commandments.)
Moses: The Lord has handed down to us Ten Commandments by which to live. I will now read them in no particular order. "Thou shalt not make any graven images."
Hezron, Carver of Graven Images: (Throws down chisel) Oh, my God!
Moses: "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Zohar the Adulterer: Ah, well. Looks like the party's over.
Homer the Thief: (Chuckles) Hey, Moses, keep 'em comin'.
Moses: "Thou shalt not steal."
Homer the Thief: D'oh!
(Marge inquires about Sunday school.)
Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: Bart!
Bart: Well, that's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say "hell," can I?
Homer: Eh, The lad has a point.
Bart: Hell, yes!
Marge: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear!
Oh, Simpson, good news. I brought some mun-chies. Eh, Smithers, the Cheetos.
Mr. Burns
(Apu arrives for the big fight.)
Apu: Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer! I've brought an assortment of jerkies.
(Apu hands Marge the jerkies.)
Homer: Ooh, did you swipe those from work?
Apu: Oh, certainly not. What has been implied here?
(Mr. Burns and Smithers watch security camera footage of Homer inviting the guys over for the big fight.)
Smithers: Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones from Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. I'm so keen on seeing Watson vs. Tatum II, I'd even go to an employee's house. Oh, I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off it's filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.
Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir?
Mr. Burns: Permission granted.
Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy--
Mr. Burns: Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.
Smithers: No, no, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself?
Mr. Burns: Ah, Smithers, the big title fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights, the sounds and (sniffs) ah, yes, the smells of men.
Smithers: You haven't lost the common touch, sir.
(Homer watches a Jerry Seinfeld type comedian on TV.)
Comedian: Don't you hate it when you go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper?
(Homer and the TV audience laugh.)
Homer: It's funny 'cause it's true!
(Troy McClure hosts an infomercial for a new type of candy that cleans and straightens teeth.)
Troy McClure: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
(Audience applauds)
Dr Nick: Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody!
Audience: Hi, Dr. Nick!
(Marge and the kids come home from shopping.)
Homer: Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Cable!?
(The kids excitedly clamour in front of the TV.)
Homer: That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, (To Marge) VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day!
Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?
Homer: (Chuckles) Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
Marge: Mmm. Are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this.
(Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable.")
Marge: (Reads from pamphlet) "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam." Hmm. I don't know.
Homer: (Enticingly) Marge.
(Homer turns the channel.)
Woman Announcer: Hear Me Roar, the network for women.
Woman TV Host: In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.
Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
