The Simpsons

The Simpsons "Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment" Quotes

(Marge and the kids come home from shopping.)
Homer: Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Cable!?
(The kids excitedly clamour in front of the TV.)
Homer: That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, (To Marge) VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day!
Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?
Homer: (Chuckles) Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
Marge: Mmm. Are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this.
(Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable.")
Marge: (Reads from pamphlet) "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam." Hmm. I don't know.
Homer: (Enticingly) Marge.
(Homer turns the channel.)
Woman Announcer: Hear Me Roar, the network for women.
Woman TV Host: In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid bill in half by making your own band-aids.
Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Troy McClure hosts an infomercial for a new type of candy that cleans and straightens teeth.)
Troy McClure: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
(Audience applauds)
Dr Nick: Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody!
Audience: Hi, Dr. Nick!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer watches a Jerry Seinfeld type comedian on TV.)
Comedian: Don't you hate it when you go to the bathroom and there's no toilet paper?
(Homer and the TV audience laugh.)
Homer: It's funny 'cause it's true!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Mr. Burns and Smithers watch security camera footage of Homer inviting the guys over for the big fight.)
Smithers: Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones from Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. I'm so keen on seeing Watson vs. Tatum II, I'd even go to an employee's house. Oh, I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off it's filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.
Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir?
Mr. Burns: Permission granted.
Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy--
Mr. Burns: Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.
Smithers: No, no, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself?
Mr. Burns: Ah, Smithers, the big title fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights, the sounds and (sniffs) ah, yes, the smells of men.
Smithers: You haven't lost the common touch, sir.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Apu arrives for the big fight.)
Apu: Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer! I've brought an assortment of jerkies.
(Apu hands Marge the jerkies.)
Homer: Ooh, did you swipe those from work?
Apu: Oh, certainly not. What has been implied here?
 • Rating: Unrated

(Mr. Burns arrives to watch the big fight.)
Mr. Burns: Oh, Simpson, good news. I brought some mun-chies. Eh, Smithers, the Cheetos.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Marge inquires about Sunday school.)
Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: Bart!
Bart: Well, that's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say "hell," can I?
Homer: Eh, The lad has a point.
Bart: Hell, yes!
Marge: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Moses appears before the Israelites with the Ten Commandments.)
Moses: The Lord has handed down to us Ten Commandments by which to live. I will now read them in no particular order. "Thou shalt not make any graven images."
Hezron, Carver of Graven Images: (Throws down chisel) Oh, my God!
Moses: "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Zohar the Adulterer: Ah, well. Looks like the party's over.
Homer the Thief: (Chuckles) Hey, Moses, keep 'em comin'.
Moses: "Thou shalt not steal."
Homer the Thief: D'oh!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart and the family watch TV.)
Bart: Oh, cool! This is where "Jaws" eats the boat! Man, this is where "Die Hard" jumps through the window. (Laughs) Whoa! This is where "Wall Street" gets arrested! (Chuckles)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(In bed, Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.)
Marge: But Homer, I'm afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.
Homer: (Sternly) Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.
Marge: No--
Homer: But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot)
Marge: Oh, Homer.
Homer: Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down.
Marge: No, Homer! Not--
Homer: (Sticks foot over floor) It's coming down. My foot, it's--
Marge: No!
Homer: That's it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. (Slams foot down)
 • Rating: Unrated

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