The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 1: "Homer's Barbershop Quartet" Quotes
(Apu returns to work at the Kwik-E-Mart)
Apu: It may not be glamorous, but it's good honest work.
Customer: How much is this quart of milk?
Apu: Twelve dollars.
Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be?
Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
Moe: Here you go!
Homer: What did you kids get?
Bart: I got this cool pencil holder.
Homer: Hehe, far out man! I haven't seen a bong in years.
Grampa: Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a chick, the swingingest' chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there.
Homer: Get of the stage!
Grampa: I want to, but I can't!
Homer: So, goodbye.
Chief Wiggum: Farewell.
Apu: Shop Kwik-E-Mart and save!
Be Sharps: Goodbye my Coney Island babe!
(Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio)
Homer, Apu, Skinner: (singing off-key) For all the latest medical poop,
Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.
Poo poo pa-doop...
Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
(Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder)
Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places!
(On the recorder)
Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches)
Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album!
Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified?
Skinner: (seriously) Yes. Yes, it is.
Reporter: I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?
Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie!
Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. (the tire blows out) D'oh!
Apu: (introducing himself) Apu Nahasapeemapetilon.
Nigel: Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, luv. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarchais.
Apu: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god... but okay!
Groundskeeper Willie:(Singing) When you're alone, and life is getting you lonely, ye can always go, ACK! Doontoon.