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Marge: You have to be there! You missed way too many precious moments in the childrens' lives.
Homer: What?! Name twelve!

Marge: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: Point zero eight sober.
Homer: Point one five.
Marge: Point zero nine.
Homer: Point one oh, with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.
Marge: (Groans) Deal.

Dwight: (to Hostages) Okay, this isn't the way I planned it, but you can make it out alive as long as there's no funny stuff.
Krusty the Clown: Don't worry about me. I was voted America's least funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy. Even worse than Sergeant Serious! How could I do worse than him?! I stole all his jokes!

(During the hostage situation, Officer Eddie rushes a package to Chief Wiggum)
Chief Wiggum: Finally, the help we need--a DVD of The Negotiator.
(Chief Wiggum places the DVD into a portable DVD player.)
Chief Wiggum: Hmm, hmm. Which chapter should we skip to? "Meet Danny Roman," "Trouble Brewing," "Off the Case," "My Baby's In There," "Enter Niebaum," "Take the Shot," "Sabian's Choice," Check and Mate," "Friends at Last," "Closing Credits"?

(to Gloria) Hey, baby. Listen carefully. Someone's been editing my biography on Wikipedia. I want you to kill him.


Hello, this is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, urging you to vote no on Proposition 87. If we outlaw crossbows in our public schools, who's gonna protect our children from charging elk? Thank you for your time, and as always--(Shouting) I say Wango! I say Tango!

Ted Nugent

(Marge watches the prison movie "A Kiss Before Frying" on Couch Potato Theater.)
Priest: It's almost midnight. They'll be coming soon, Johnny. Coming to take you to the electric chair.
Johnny Stabbo: I ain't afraid of old sparky, the hot seat, the kilowatt couch, the death davenport, the electric lap, the crook cooker, the scorch stool!

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