The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Episode 2: "Simpson and Delilah" Quotes
Dad seems to be taking this in a less than heroic fashion.
</i> Lisa
(Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.)
Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Smithers: Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter? (Points at a monitor with Homer on it.)
Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like (Chuckles) Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
Uh, the long-term benefits more than offsetting the one-time cost for a net savings of f-five thousand, two, uh, hundred an--(Stammers) Oh, lots of money.
</i> Homer
(Homer runs through the town rejoicing about his new hair.)
Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
Barney: Hey! It's the president!
(Homer, Lenny and Carl eat lunch at the power plant)
Homer: D'oh! Outta tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny, are you gonna use all of your tartar sauce?
(Lenny slides his lunch tray away from Homer)
Homer: Dry fish sticks. This sucks.
Carl: Quit complaining, chrome dome.
Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
Lenny: Homer, don't be a sap all of your life. Just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company.
Homer: But it's a thousand bucks. Burns would can my butt in no time flat.
Lenny: (Sarcastically) Ooh! A thousand bucks. So what? To Mr. Burns, that's one less ivory back scratcher.
(The Simpson family watches a game show called Grade School Challenge on TV)
Game Show Host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?
Homer: Hitler!
Marge: (Questioning Homer) Hitler, North Dakota?
Patty and Selma: (In unison) Bismarck.
Girl Contestant: Bismarck!
Bart: (To Homer) Hitler?
Homer: Hey, I'm still beating you, boy.
Game Show Host: Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?
Bart: Blue!
Homer: Yellow!
Bart: Orange!
Selma: Green.
Bart: Red!
Patty: Green.
Bart: Purple!
Homer: Red! White! Black! Green!
Girl Contestant: Green.
Homer: I was right! (Claps)
(Marge discusses Homer's new hair with Patty and Selma.)
Marge: He's much happier at work and--Well, just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
Patty: Mmm.
Selma: I don't wanna think about it.
(Karl sits down for his interview for the assistant job with Homer)
Karl: You don't belong here.
Homer: Huh?
Karl: You don't belong here.
(Karl stands and points at Homer across the desk)
Karl: You're a fraud and a phony, and it's only a matter of time until they find you out.
Homer: (Gasps) Who told you?
Karl: You did. You told me with the way you slump your shoulders, the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
(Homer is busy strangling Bart after he wasted the rest of the Dimoxinil.)
Homer: Boy...must...die!
Bart: (Groans) I love you, Dad!
Homer: D'oh!
(Homer stammers and lets Bart go.)
Homer: Dirty trick. Okay. I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
Bart: (Shocked) It is?
Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
Homer
Let the fools have their "tar-tar sauce."
Burns
