The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 1 Quotes

Episode 13: "Some Enchanted Evening"

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Hello. Is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Coholic. (Louder) Is there an Al Coholic here?
(Everyone in the bar laughs at Moe.)
Moe: Wait a minute. Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dr. Monroe: The pig has made you into his mother. You are not the hot love object you deserve to be.
Marge: Really?
Dr. Monroe: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying. Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving, you will be leaving.
Marge: Leave Homer?
Dr. Monroe: Please, don't use his real name!
Marge: Leave Pedro?
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Hello. I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe
Radio Show Producer: First name, age, problem?
Marge: I'm Marge, 34, and my problem's my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me, I don't know how much more of this I can--
Radio Show Producer: Hey, lady, save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
Moe: Homer.
Homer: What?
Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar!
Homer: (Shocked) What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. (Belches)
Homer: Oh, no!
Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig, Larry's a pig. We're all pigs!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat this one right there!
(Homer points at a lobster.)
Waiter: Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir.
Homer: Why?
Waiter: Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Monroe: Okay, let's see. Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.
Homer: Hey, turn it up! I love hearing those wackos.
 • Rating: Unrated

Host: The Cue Ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous. If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz. Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski. You're the Baby-sitter Bandit!
Ms. Botz: You're a smart, young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut.
Lisa: He isn't.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Lord, help me. I'm just not that bright.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.
 • Rating: Unrated

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Oliver there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Oliver Klozoff.
Moe: Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff! Call for Oliver Klozoff!
 • Rating: Unrated

Episode 12: "Krusty Gets Busted"

Krusty the Clown: Hey, hey, what's goin' on here?
Chief Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say--Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Krusty the Clown: What is this, a joke?
 • Rating: Unrated

Sideshow Bob: Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
Apu: Yes, yes. I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: But, dad, you're giving in to mob mentality.
Homer: No, I'm not! I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Now, come on, son. Get with the winning team.
 • Rating: Unrated

Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Who do you love?
Audience: Krusty!
Krusty the Clown: How much do you love me?
Bart and Lisa: With all our hearts!
Krusty the Clown: What would you do if I went off the air?
Bart and Lisa: We'd kill ourselves!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Reverend Lovejoy leads the public burning of Krusty the Clown merchandise.)
Reverend Lovejoy: Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Wait a minute. Krusty can't read.
Bart: Okay! Okay! So the poor guy can't read. Can't we get off his back, already?
Lisa: No! Don't you get it, Bart? How could Krusty have been reading a magazine if he can't read?
Apu: Hey, hey. This is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down, or I'll blow your heads off!
 • Rating: Unrated

Sideshow Bob: Bart, children, this whole sordid affair has been a shock to all of us. But we must get on with our lives. Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that loveable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car.
Bart: And shot you out of a cannon.
Sideshow Bob: And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that, will we?
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Oh, my! All this senseless violence. I don't understand its appeal.
Bart: We don't expect you to, Mom.
Lisa: If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kent Brockman: Good evening, again, Springfield. Krusty the Clown, the beloved idol of countless tots, now nothing more than a common, alleged criminal. His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media circus as children of all ages from 8 to 80 hang on each new development like so many Romanian trapeze artists.
 • Rating: Unrated

Scott Christian: Why did the clown cross the road? To rob a Kwik-E-Mart. The news story behind that enigmatic half-joke right after this commercial message.
Homer: Wait a minute. Bart, you know that guy on your lunchbox?
Bart: Oh, you mean, Krusty the Clown?
Homer: He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he?
Bart: Are you kidding? He's my idol! I've based my life on Krusty's teachings.
 • Rating: Unrated

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