The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 1 Quotes
Bart: Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help.
Homer: I gave you advice? Get outta here.
Bart: Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse.
Homer: Hmm. Good advice.
(At Marge's birthday party, Patty and Selma comment on Homer.)
Patty: Look at him wolf down that gristle.
Selma: Mm-hmm. It's an accident waiting to happen.
Patty: Do you know the Heimlich maneuver?
Selma: No.
Patty: Good.
Helen: Marge? Marge Simpson. You remember me, don't you? I'm Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the minister.
Marge: Oh, yes. Hello, Helen.
Helen: Well, I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I looked over this way and said to myself, "Why, isn't that Marge Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?" (Chuckles) And I just had to come over and say hello.
Marge: We're, um--
Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account.
Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, (Looks at Jacques' bowling ball.) Brunswick.
Jacques: Call me Jacques.
Marge: Jacques.
Jacques: Marge.
Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.
Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.
Homer: Marge, may I speak to you?
Marge: Sure.
Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it, but it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. (Silent pause) Good-bye, my wife.
Lenny: Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go!
Co-worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Homer: Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza--the food of kings!
Lisa: Don't be scared, Dad. It's not so hard takin' care of us.
Homer: (Laughs) Lisa, I'm not scared. I think it's a great chance to spend some time with you kids. Your mother always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn.
(Everyone silently eats some pizza.)
Homer: Does the time always drag like this?
Jacques: Here we are.
Marge: You didn't have to drop me off.
Jacques: But I wanted to.
(Jacques grabs Marge's hand and stares into her eyes.)
Jacques: Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight?
Marge: Oh, Jacques. I'm a married woman.
Jacques: I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart and my hips cry, "Proceed."
Marge: (Groans nervously)
Jacques: Marge, darling, I want to see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowlarama. Away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for brunch.
Marge: What's brunch?
Jacques: You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.
Marge: I don't think so.
Jacques: Marge, darling, there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare?
Marge: Mm. Mm. All right!
Marge: You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.
Jacques: (Laughs) I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naïve. They're for lovemaking!
Marge: You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me.
Homer: What? No!
Marge: The holes were drilled for your fingers.
Homer: Well, I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I?
Marge: You never intended for me to use that ball.
Homer: Well, if that's how you feel, I'll take it back.
Marge: You can't take it back! You had your name engraved on it!
Homer: So you'd know it was from me!
Marge: Homer, I'm keeping the ball...for myself!
Homer: What? But you don't know how to bowl. Whoops!
Marge: I'm keeping it, and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present, Homer.
(Marge clicks off the light and goes to bed.)
Homer: Well...you're...welcome.
Marge: You're a very good teacher.
Jacques: Yes, I am a very good teacher, and I can teach you everything. I can tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean,--
Marge: Hmmm.
Jacques: --which frame is the beer frame. I bet you don't know how to make a five-seven-ten split. Do you, Marge?
Marge: Hmmm, no.
Jacques: Well, first of all, you yell, "The eight-pin is a cop!"
Mr. Burns: I love you, Smithers.
Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
