It is with great pride that I place the safety of our city in the hands of the first four people who showed up.

Mayor Quimby

Homer: Burns stiffed us!
Moe: I can't believe he acted completely in character!

Moe: You know, I think I'll volunteer, too.
Barney: Why'd you say "too"?
Moe: Well, I assume I'm not the first one.

Rod: But users are losers!
Homer: You're confusing drugs with druuuuuuugs!

Oh, I have 3 kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and 3 money!?


Why am I sleeping when right next door is every kid's dream - - a fat, suggestible, zombie dad?


Marge: You really want to make love on half a mattress behind a billboard?
Homer: It's like our honeymoon all over again! Aw, we even have the same bum looking at us.
Bum: I knew you kids would make it! (poking Homer's stomach) Man, you got fat.

Ghost Homer: You want to have ghost sex?
Ghost Marge: I keep telling you, ghost sex is nothing! It's worse than nothing!
Ghost Homer: Then why were you moaning last time?
Ghost Marge: Because I'm a GHOST! Whooooo!
Ghost Homer: Aahhh! A ghost!

(to Helen) You put on the Michael Bolton CD, I'll put on my edible vestments!

Reverend Lovejoy

Lisa: Bart, come with me. I'll take you to someone who will make you feel better.
Bart: Is it my rabbit, Cottontail? The one who went to live upstate?
Lisa: He died, Bart. Dad buried him in the backyard. But not in that order.

Now ladies and gentlemen, if you look just over left-field wall, the real show is about to begin, the sunrise! Brought to you by God. The invisible giant you turn to when you're about to die.


Bart? Are you Bart Simpson? The kid who dropped that easy fly ball? You stink like a Dutchman's throwup!


The Simpsons Season 18 Quotes

(reading his poem)
There once was a rapping tomato,
That's right I said rapping tomato,
He rapped all day from April to May,
And also guess what, it was me.


My arm! It hurts where the tiger's biting it!