The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 2 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 2 Episode 16: "Bart's Dog Gets an F"

(Bart tries to teach Santa's Little Helper at dog obedience school.)
Bart: See, boy? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over! Like this. (Bart rolls over.)
Emily Winthrop: Congratulations sonny. You've earned a toffee. (Tosses Bart a toffee.)
Bart: Oh, thank you! (Under his breath.) Moldy old maid.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart and Santa's Little Helper perform for Emily Winthrop at the dog obedience school.)
Bart: Now, sit! I said, sit! (Santa's Little Helper walks away.) Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. (To Emily) See? He does exactly what I tell him.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer fields a phone call from someone interested in buying Santa's Little Helper.)
Homer: Oh no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. (Pause) Hear what? (Pause) Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down! Come here! Come on, boy! (Homer pants into the phone like a dog.)
Homer: Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. (In a dog's voice) I wuv you!
(Pulls the phone away from his mouth.)
Homer: Good dog! Good doggie!
(Puts phone back near his mouth.)
Homer: Isn't that amazing? See you soon! (Hangs up phone.) Whoo-hoo!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer walks by the Cookie Colossus store in the mall.)
Saleswoman: Aloha!
Homer: Well, aloha!
Saleswoman: Would you like a free sample? (Offers Homer some cookies on a tray.)
Homer: The price is right. (Eats a cookie.) Mmm! Ooh! "Macamademia" nuts.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Lisa pleads her case to keep Santa's Little Helper.)
Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love, is to throw it away?
Homer: (Sniffling) Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey. (Hugs Lisa)
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 15: "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

(Grandpa finds out that Herb is rich.)
Grandpa: (On the phone with Homer.) A millionaire? (To himself.) Oh, I kept the wrong one.
 • Rating: Unrated

(The family says farewell to Herb.)
Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe? Why, you sponge head! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
(Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.)
Marge: (Consoles Homer) Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Grandpa talks with Homer in his hospital room.)
Grandpa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
(Homer scoots closer.)
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grandpa: Pee-yew! Not that close!
 • Rating: Unrated

(The ending to the McBain movie.)
Sexy Woman: You certainly broke up that meeting.
McBain: Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting in bed.
Sexy Woman: Oh, McBain.
McBain: Mmm.
(They embrace and kiss.)
 • Rating: Unrated

(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Grandpa: Okay.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart inquires about Herb.)
Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: Bart!
Bart: His parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
Homer: I guess he's got us there.
Marge: Hmm!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Marge: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard. Bastard, bastard.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: (Yells) Just a little further!
Marge: Bart, Lisa, if you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But, Marge, I want to see my brother.
Marge: Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
Homer: Oh.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer and Herb meet face to face.)
Herb: Homer?
Homer: Herb?
Homer and Herb: (In unison) You look just like--
(They point at each other's hair.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) Except you got a little more--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) Except you got a little less--
(They point at each other's stomachs.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) And a little less--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) And a little more--
Homer and Herb: God, I feel so--
(They happily embrace.)
 • Rating: Unrated

Herb: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
Marge: Hmm. Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
Herb: Wow, we have so much catching up to do.
Marge: Hmm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
 • Rating: Unrated

Herb: Homer, I need your help.
Homer: You do?
Herb: Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there. And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer: And I wanna let you!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer makes demands to the car engineers about what neesds to go in the new car.)
Homer: All right, you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink!
Engineer: Sir, the-the car has a beverage holder.
Homer: Hello! Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell at the Kwik-E-Mart? (Makes a large circle with his hands.) The cup is this big!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Extremly large beverage holder.
Homer: I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in the parking lot? That should be on every car!
Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Litte ball.
Homer: And some things are so snazzy, they never go out of style! Like tail fins and bubble domes and shag carpeting.
Engineer: I gotta call the boss.
 • Rating: Unrated

Herb: Welcome to my home, brother.
(Herb waves his arm towards his mansion.)
Homer: Holy moly! The bastard's rich!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer visits the Shelbyville Orphanage in search of his brother.)
Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
Director: (Sighs) I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here. Please!
Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. (Reaches across his desk, grabs Homer's hands and stares him in the eye.) Even Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, (Points at Herb's file folder) the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's...Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--
Director: Read between the lines, you fool
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. (Puts a twenty dollar bill on the Director's desk.) Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: (Frustrated) Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: (Sarcastically) Fine! Thank you!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart and Lisa bicker at the dinner table.)
Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Dad!
Homer: Not one word!
(Bart and Lisa trade insults via sign language and giggle at each other.)
Homer: I thought I said knock it off.
Lisa: We didn't say anything.
Bart: Not one word.
Homer: Well, no "pantomomine" either.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer attempts to contact his long lost brother over the phone)
Marge: Any luck, Homey?
Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
Marge: Hmm. Well, you wanna try that H. Powell? (Points in phonebook)
Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but--(Dials the phone)
 • Rating: Unrated

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