The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Quotes
(Lisa pleads her case to keep Santa's Little Helper.)
Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love, is to throw it away?
Homer: (Sniffling) Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey. (Hugs Lisa)
(Santa's Little Helper chews on a Krusty pull string doll.)
Krusty Doll: You're my best friend! (Chuckles) You're my best friend! (Chuckles) You're my best friend! (Chuckles)
(From Santa's Little Helper's point of view something different is heard.)
Krusty Doll: Blah, blah, blah, blah! (Distorted chuckling) Blah, blah, blah, blah! (Distorted chuckling) Blah, blah, blah, blah! (Distorted chuckling)
Homer: (Calls out to Marge who is upstairs.) Marge, the dog is hungry!
Marge: (Yells back) Well, then, feed him!
Homer: Yes, master!
(Homer walks by the Cookie Colossus store in the mall.)
Saleswoman: Aloha!
Homer: Well, aloha!
Saleswoman: Would you like a free sample? (Offers Homer some cookies on a tray.)
Homer: The price is right. (Eats a cookie.) Mmm! Ooh! "Macamademia" nuts.
(At the breakfast table, Bart notices that Lisa isn't dressed for school.)
Bart: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine. Then--Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school.
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
(Bart notices Homer's new shoes.)
Bart: Whoa! Assassins!
Homer: Yep. Heh, heh. Read 'em and weep.
Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: $125!
Homer: Bart! (Reaches down to choke Bart.)
Bart: Aah!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
a single fire.
Marge: Hmmm!
(Lisa is sick and Bart delivers her homework after school.)
Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
(Bart hands Lisa her homework.)
Lisa: Ooh! (Shuffling through the papers.) Phonics, functions, vocabulary--Remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
Bart: D'oh!
Now, sit! I said, sit! (Santa's Little Helper walks away.) Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. (To Emily) See? He does exactly what I tell him.
Bart
(Bart tries to teach Santa's Little Helper at dog obedience school.)
Bart: See, boy? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over! Like this. (Bart rolls over.)
Emily Winthrop: Congratulations sonny. You've earned a toffee. (Tosses Bart a toffee.)
Bart: Oh, thank you! (Under his breath.) Moldy old maid.
(Homer fields a phone call from someone interested in buying Santa's Little Helper.)
Homer: Oh no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. (Pause) Hear what? (Pause) Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down! Come here! Come on, boy! (Homer pants into the phone like a dog.)
Homer: Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. (In a dog's voice) I wuv you!
(Pulls the phone away from his mouth.)
Homer: Good dog! Good doggie!
(Puts phone back near his mouth.)
Homer: Isn't that amazing? See you soon! (Hangs up phone.) Whoo-hoo!
(Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.)
Marge and Lisa: (Scream in unison)
Marge: My quilt! Six generations, ruined! (Sobs)
Homer: (Consoles Marge) Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
(Homer sees the remains of his cookie.)
Homer: (Screams) My cookie! (Sobs hysterically) Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!
(At dog obedience school.)
Emily Winthrop: There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson?
(Bart is down on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor.)
Bart: Like a hose. (Under his breath.) Your Wrinkled Highness.
