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The-simpsons

(Picking out a Tuxedo for Bart. He doesn't look pleased with his puffy shirt tuxedo.)
Bart: (frowning) Isn't this shirt kinda gay?
Clerk: Last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
Homer: Eww, how'd you check?

Irish Policeman #1: So, it's a smoke-easy you're running then?
Homer: Uh-oh! (tries to flee with Grampa)
Irish Policeman #2: Toots! It's escaping you're thinking of then?
Homer: I can't tell if those are questions or statements!
Irish Policeman #1: So, it's our syntax you're criticizin' then?

(After Homer opens a shipping crate)
Grampa: Moe?! You shipped yourself here?
Moe: No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now.

Well well, if it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless!

Mr. Burns

Kent Brockman: Today, Springfield will experience a rare total eclipse of the sun. A solar eclipse is like a woman breast-feeding in a restaurant. It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it. We recommend using a homemade "camera obscura", fashioned from an ordinary shoebox and paper towel tube.
(Kent reaches under his desk and pulls out an unmade camera obscura)
Kent Brockman: (fuming) This... was supposed to be pre-made. Fine, I'll do it myself. Where's the end of the frickin' tape?! Forget it! We'll do it next week!
Cameraman: (off-screen) The eclipse is today.
Kent Brockman: (shouting) There's an eclipse when I say there's an eclipse!

AHHHH! WHY DID I BRING THE BABY AND THE DOG TO THE POISON STORRRRREEEE!!?

Homer

(Arguing about Homer leaving Maggie on the steps of the convent and wanting to take her back.)
Homer: Oh come on, I bet your husband does stupid stuff all the time!
Nun: (angrily) I'm married to Jesus!
Homer: Yeah, and I'm married to Wonder Woman...

(Homer places Maggie on the steps of a convent.)
Homer: Now I need to leave you where you'll be safe: Under the watchful eyes of God. And I'll be watching you too, in case God's busy making tornadoes or not existing.

(singing to babies) If you're happy and you know it, that's a sin! If you're happy and you know it, that's a sin!

Nun

Ned: Homer Simpson, I show you pity, and how do you repay me? With a kick in the kididdlehopper!
Homer: (laughs) "Kididdlehopper"!
Ned: That's not funny, it's how I swear!

Bart: I can't believe we have to start another year at school. I never learned anything at that suck shack.
Homer: Hey! Who taught you language like that?
Bart: Kid at school.
Homer: So you did learn something!

Lisa: Dad, Bart's throwing away his future!
Homer: Oh, no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp!? (laughs)

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 99 in total

The Simpsons Season 20 Quotes

Lisa: Dad, we have to do something all the bees are dying!
Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, no! No bees! Ooh, now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches?
Lisa: But, Dad! Bees pollinate flowers.
Homer: Pfft. Flowers, the painted whores of the plant world.

(After Homer shows Lisa the hive containing the new hybrid bees he and Moe had created)
Lisa: They sound awfully mad. Are they dangerous?
Homer: Hmm, I'm not sure. Let me check. (Lifts the lid of the hive) Are you guys dangerous? (The bees fly out of the hive and knock Homer down) A simple "Yes" would've sufficed!

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