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Homer: Oh, I get it, you're all going to try to convince me that my life is great just like it is, right?
Lisa: Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Homer: Oh, come on, that billionaire playboy. He's too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the Wayne foundation
Marge: (whispering) Don't open this one again.
Lisa: Why does he think Alfred is friends with Batman?
Marge: Just stop.
- Permalink: Oh, I get it, you're all going to try to convince me that my lif...
(After it's learned in Homer's alternate reality that he and Marge wouldn't have Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.)
Marge: Well that's what's missing. Our lives would be horrible without the kids.
Homer: Uh, yeah, that must be it. This is the best of all possible worlds. Blah, blah, blah and--I wanna live in the sauce!
(He jumps into the sauce pot, the Sauce Chef pulls him out.)
Sauce Chef: If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce?! Stupid!
- Permalink: Well that's what's missing. Our lives would be horrible without ...
Lisa: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don't want to come on too strong.
Lisa: Well, if I pick plain she'll think I'm cheap, and if I pick peanut, she may have an allergy. You just killed her, Bart!
Bart: How about Charleston Chew?
Lisa: What is this, Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
Bart: You asked for my help, then you don't want it.
Apu: Excuse me, but why not consider an Almond Joy? It looks like you only brought something for yourself, but then you just happen to have two pieces.
Lisa: Finally, a real suggestion!
Bart: If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed!
- Permalink: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don't want to co...
Lisa: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
Marge: I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. ((Leaves the room)
((Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge)
Marge: Bart Simpson: Age 3. (Both go back inside)
(Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black)
Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!
- Permalink: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey! I'm ...
Homer: Praise to Oliver.
Mina: That's "Allah."
Homer: Aw, we'll look it up in the Corona.
- Permalink: Praise to Oliver. That's Allah. Aw, we'll look it up in the ...
Marge! I was right! Everybody is whatever I think they are!Homer
- Permalink: Marge! I was right! Everybody is whatever I think they are!
Bashir: (holding Bart's slingshot) Bart forgot this, sir.
Homer: Sir? That's the kind of respect you'd have to strangle out of an American kid.
- Permalink: Bart forgot this, sir. Sir? That's the kind of respect you'd h...
Marge: Okay, remember our deal: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings. (holds up calendar with "From Bart" sticker) I'm returning this kitten calendar.
Lisa: (holds up identical calendar) Um, I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Homer: Kitten calendar.
(Maggie holds up kitten calendar)
Bart: Hey, those are 15-month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens.
(The family stares at him blankly. He takes back the calendars)
Bart: That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute. (looks at back of calendar) Man, those are ugly kittens.
- Permalink: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feeli...
Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion.
- Permalink: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance! I'm sor...
Kearney: What's your name, sweat stain?
Bashir: Uh, Bashir?
Kearney: "Bash here?" I love a kid that comes with directions.
- Permalink: What's your name, sweat stain? Uh, Bashir? Bash here? I love...
(After Lisa loses the crossword puzzle tournament)
Lisa: Oh, I blew it again.
Homer: She blew it again! Woo-Hoo!
(The bartender approaches Homer with a large tray of money)
Bartender: (Disdainfully) Here's your money, soaked in your daughter's tears.
Homer: You know for a bartender-bookie, you're awfully judgmental.
- Permalink: Oh, I blew it again. She blew it again! Woo-Hoo! Here's ...
Homer: Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club and won't be home until three in the morning!
Marge: Have fun!
- Permalink: Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club and won't be home until ...