Teachers should not be allowed to live near their students. We're natural enemies - like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.


Ned, I have a confession to make, I may not have come here solely with the noble intention of getting drunk.


I still wear your bra.

Comic Book Guy

Homer: My doctor said don't walk.
Marge: That was a traffic signal!

Call me Delta Airlines, because I can't handle all your extra baggage.


My email address is edna172. It's the lowest number I could get.

Comic Book Guy

Bart: If fairytales have taught us anything, first wives are the best and second wives are terrible.
Homer: Just the opposite of real life.

That's right, I'm down to my wife blesser.


Edna: Those two boys of yours weren't delivered by the stork.
Flanders: Yes they were. We deliberately chose a Doctor Stork so we could say it without lying.

Did a volcano erupt in candy land, because I just caught me a flying red hot.


You can never raise a hand to a child. Just stop cutting the crust off their sandwiches. They'll get the message.


We can handle the alcoholism, melted cheese in the microwave and, selling A's for cigarettes, but not laying a hand on a child.

Principal Skinner

The Simpsons Season 22 Quotes

Lisa: Quiet. It's time for the noblest Nobel Prize of all.. the Peace Prize.
Homer: I would kill for that!

Homer: It's 4 am, you kids should have been in bed a half hour ago.
Lisa: We're watching the Nobel Prize announcement lives from Stockholm.
Homer: Ooh, the Nobies.