Horst: Do we have any alcoholics among us?
Man 1: Uh, me.
Man 2: Right here.
Man 3: I'm drunk right now!

We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. (Pause) That is all.

Horst

Horst: Homer, could we have a word with you?
Homer: No.
Horst: I must have phrased that badly. My English is how you say...inelegant. I meant to say may we have a brief, friendly chat?
Homer: No!
Horst: Once again I have failed. (Reading from a German-English phrasebook) We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.
Homer: (Yelling) No!

Smithers: What's wrong sir, did I get some in your eye? The Shampoo specifically said, "No more tears!"
Mr. Burns: Ah, lovely promise but, one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.

Homer: What should I do?
Guy: Well let me put it this way you get twenty five dollars if you sell now!
Homer: Sell sell sell!!! Woohooo! Twenty five dollars!

Ooh! Battlestar Galactica.

Homer

You see that queen over there? Her name is Smithers.

Mr. Burns

Homer: Let me ask you something: does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Homer: Okay, bad example. So let me ask you this: does your money ever hug you when you come home at night?
Mr. Burns: Why, no.
Homer: And does it say "I love you"?
Mr. Burns: No, it doesn't.
Homer: (chanting) Nobody love you, nobody loves you...

Bart: I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem, first name Bea.
Moe: Uh, yeah just a minute, I'll check. (Calling) Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem?!
Barney: You sure do!
(The customers laugh)
Moe: It's you, isn't it!
(Bart laughs)
Moe: Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

Ooh Smithers! A blue-collar bar! Let's go slumming!

Mr. Burns

(about Bart) He's a pip this one is.

Moe

(talking about his drink) I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.

Homer

The Simpsons Season 3 Quotes

Mr. Burns: Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
Homer: (Unsure) U...sury?
Mr. Burns: Silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist.

(singing) We've had lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fun, but now the time has come... to go. If this old clown was found dead in his bed tomorrow, I'd be in heaven, still doing this show.

Krusty