Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors.
Miss Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph: Miss Hoover. I don't have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it.

Moe: (Reads his valentine) "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
Barney: Yoo Hooooo!
Moe: Oh God, no!
(Barney blows a kiss and belches)

Oh it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test!

Bart

The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

Ralph

Uh... so... do you like..... stuff?

Ralph

Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.
Chief Wiggum: They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?

I didn't cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now.

Groundskeeper Willie

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.

Principal Skinner

Guy: Where do you want these beef hearts?
Lunchlady Doris: On the floor.
Guy: It doesnt look very clean.
Lunchlady Doris: Just do your job, heart boy.

Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

(Watching The Krusty Show)
Bart: I'd give anything to go to that show!
Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
Bart: Hey!
Homer: You'll do as you're told!

If you think I'm cuddly and you want my company, come on wifey let me know!

Ned

The Simpsons Season 4 Quotes

The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs)
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail! ...
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and um Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!

Homer