(Thinking to himself while looking at the casket) Oh, I thought this thing was going to be catered. Boy, am I hungry. I mean, I'm really, really, hungry. (Out loud) It's just not fair, dammit!

Homer

Puppets: Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, you have one too! Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, you have one too!
Bart: I want to get off.
Selma: No, you can't get off. We have five more continents to visit.

Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: (short silence) ...Yes.

Hans Moleman: Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.
Waitress: You're reading the wine list sir.
Hans Moleman: Very good.

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.
Lisa: I understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer (whining): But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting.
Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Selma: So, wearing a belt, are you?
Kid: Uh-huh.
Selma: No suspenders for you.
Kid: I guess not.
Selma: Orange is really your color.
Kid: They make us wear this.
Selma: Shall we continue this conversation over dinner?
Kid: Uh...I'm not allowed to date customers. It's store policy.
Arnold: No, it isn't.

Worker: We found this one swimming naked in the pool.
Lisa: I am the lizard queen!

(at Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket)
Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better
Bart: (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it
(Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs)

Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: MR. HUTZ!
Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!

Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!

Troy McClure

He was a good man, he was a kind man. He gave to his community and asked little in return. He never-(a man whispers something in his ear) That's a woman? Dear lord!

Priest

Marge: I think the money should be spent on something the whole town can be proud of.
Homer: Like a giant billboard that says 'no fat chicks!'?

The Simpsons Season 4 Quotes

(singing) God said to Noah, there's gonna be a floody-floody. Rain came down, it started to get muddy, muddy. Get those animals, out of the arky-arky.

Flanders Family

Bart: Remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed, "I'm a hemophiliac!," and when he let you go, you kicked him in the back?
Homer: Yeah.
Bart: Will you teach me how to do that?
Homer: Sure, boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing until he turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying down on the ground,...
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Kick him in the ribs.
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Step on his neck.
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: And run like hell.