The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes (Page 18)

Season 5 Episode 10: "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"

Smithers: Even so, sir, we could stand to lay off a few employees.
Mr. Burns: Oh, very well! (Points at the monitors) Lay off him, him, him, him...(Sees Homer wearing Kissinger's glasses) Hmm...better keep the egghead. He just might come in handy.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you.
Homer: Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.
Lisa: Gimme those!
 • Rating: Unrated

Barney: I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
Kent Brockman: Hmph. And what training do you have?
Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ned: What do you think, Reverend?
Reverend Lovejoy: Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
Crowd: Yeah!
Mr. Burns: By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town!
Crowd: Yeah!
(Barney burps)
Crowd: Yeah!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Ssshh! I'm trying to teach the baby to gamble.
Marge: Why?
Homer: I got a job at Burns' casino. As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to be a contestant on "The Gong Show",
(after flashback)
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: (as a blackjack dealer) Uh, let's see: eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-fiveDealer busts! Looks like you all win again.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Woo-hoo! Jackpot.
Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Wait a minute, are you over 21?
Bart: Are you?
Squeeky-Voiced Teen: I'm not authorized to answer that.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Barney saves Maggie from a tiger in the casino)
Barney: Marge, you gotta watch out. Your little boy, Bart, could have been eaten by that pony!
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Homer: Marge! You waited for me.
Marge: Er.
Homer: Okay, Marge, let's go.
Marge: I'll catch up to you.
Homer: Marge, I'm taking the car.
Marge: I'll walk.
Homer: This late? Through the bad neighborhood?
Marge: Yeah.
Homer: Marge
Marge: Go home! You're bad luck.
Homer: Wait! I see what's happening here. You're just mad because everyone in this town loves gambling except for you. Well that's just sad.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Do you get the feeling this family is disintegrating? I mean, we haven't had a meal with Mom all week. And she hasn't even started my costume for the geography pageant.
Bart: Pipe down, sister. I gotta book a new act for tonight. Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator was really Liza Minnelli. (shudders)
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Dad, Mom said she'd be home to help me with my costume and she's not, and the geography pageant is tonight!
Homer: Lisa, your mom still loves you. It's just that she has a career now. She's a slot-jockey.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr Burns: (holding a miniature wooden plane) Do you see this plane, Smithers? This gonna help us to take the Spruce Goose and take us outta here!
Smithers: Excellent model, sir.
Mr. Burns: Uh, model?
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 9: "The Last Temptation of Homer"

Bart: (seeing his reflection in Milhouse's glasses) I'm a nerd!
Milhouse: (seeing his reflection in Bart's glasses) So am I!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: (Singing) Oh Mindy.
You came and you gave without flaking,
but I sent you Ben Gay.
Oh Andy
You kissed me and stopped me from something...
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns (to a duck): Get back to work, Stuart!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Oh Marge, you came and you found me a turkey on my vacation away from worky.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Think unsexy thoughts think unsexy thoughts think unsexy thoughts...
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer and Mindy represent the nuclear power plant at the National Energy Convention.)
Man: Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!
Mindy: Get bent!
Man #2: No more Chernobyls!
Homer: Go to Hell! (Throws a brick at him)
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Another day, another box of stolen pens.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Lisa: Look, Dad, I made fish sticks. They're burned on the outside, but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

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