The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes (Page 23)

Season 5 Episode 7: "Bart's Inner Child"

Troy McClure: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in "impr-you-vement"--Brad Goodman!
Brad Goodman: Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way, I'm not happy you're still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than fifty.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies?
Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad.
Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.
Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame.
Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.
Homer: I feel validated by that.
Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk.
Homer: Me too.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Wow, for free! Surplus drums of mayonnaise from operation "Desert Storm!"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Edna: The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tell me what his first message was?
Bart: Uh
Milhouse: I want-a change-a my name!
(Everyone laughs)
Edna: (chuckling) Oh, good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first message by wireless?
Bart: It was
Martin: Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp!
(everyone laughs)
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one-hour photo, instant oatmeal society.
Bart: What's the answer?
Lisa: Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity. May I suggest good-natured doormat?
Bart: Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(The Simpsons are watching TV)
Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture?
McGonigle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.
Homer: Ah, McGonigle: eases the pain.
Chief: You're off the case, McGonigle!
McGonigle: You're off your case, Chief!
Chief: What does that mean exactly?
Homer: (yelling) It means he gets results, you stupid chief!
Lisa: Dad, sit down.
Homer: Oh, I'm sorry.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Troy McClure: You may remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Groundskeeper Willie: (Speaking into a microphone) If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!
(A man whispers something into his ear.)
Groundskeeper Willie: I know it's on!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 6: "Marge on the Lam"

Lionel Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Dear Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down.
Homer: Ohh, lumber has a million uses.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home.
Lisa: Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. (nudges Lionel Hutz, who growls and brandishes a knife)
Lionel (defensively): Don't touch my stuff! (realizes where he is) H-Hey, this isn't the YMCA.
 • Rating: Unrated

Fireman with saw: Mr. Simpson there's no easy way to say this, were going to have to saw your arms off.
Homer: Awww, but they'll grow back won't they?
Fireman: Yeah, sure. They'll grow back.
Other Fireman: Are you just holding on to the can.
Homer: Yeah, why?
 • Rating: Unrated

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as "Out with Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House."
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer is reading the magazines at the Kwik-E-Mart.)
Apu: This is not a library!
(Homer goes to the library.)
Librarian: This is not a Kwik-E-Mart!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Where are you going?
Marge: I don't know.
Homer: When will you be home?
Marge: I'm not sure.
Homer: Where are you going?
Marge: You already asked me that!
Homer: Will you bring me back something?
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Don't worry, you'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers and give you a makeover, Homina.
Homer: (In a feminine voice) Ooh, that would be delightfu--Quiet boy!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Homer negotiates a baby-sitting rate with Lionel Hutz.)
Homer: We pay 8 dollars for the night and you can take 2 popsicles outta the freezer.
Lionel Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Lionel Hutz: Okay, two and I get to keep this old birdcage!
Homer: Done!
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Homer, stop that, it's just a weather station!
Homer: Come on Marge, it's fun to smash things!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marge: We can't trick these guys. They are highly trained professionals!
(Ruth turns off the car lights.)
Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, it just disappeared! (Gasp) It's a ghost car! (Slams on brakes) There are ghost cars all over these highways you know.
Homer: Hold me!
Chief Wiggum: Only if you hold me!
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Wiggum: Oh, I'm uh.. on a road, uh.. looks to be asphelt. Um, ah geez, trees, shrubs um.... I'm directly under the earths sun... nnnow!
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite "The Simpsons" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!