The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 5 Quotes
Homer: (playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips) Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh...yeah.
(takes four cards)
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woo hoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
(lays out cards)
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
(takes chips and looks at cards)
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this every time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!
Homer: Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing! Damn opposed!
Bart: He's damn opposed! Damn damn damn opposed!
Mr. Burns: Why, it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma! Oh, and this must be little Pebbles! Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates.
Homer: Yabba-dabba-doo!
I'm in love... no wait, it's a stroke.
Grampa
I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple!
Grampa
(Bart answers the door)
Man: Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
Bart: That's me.
Man: (Punches Bart in the face.) Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.
(doorbell rings Bart answers it)
Teenager: I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
Bart: Uh that's me.
Teenager: (Punches Bart in the face.) Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range!
(Doorbell rings)
Man: (Through door) Homer Simpson! I've got a uh special delivery for you.
Bart: Go away.
Man: If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson I cannot give you your special delivery.
(Bart sees it's his animation cell he ordered.)
Man: Here's your special delivery.
Bart: Thanks...
Man: (Punches Bart in the face.) And that's for keeping me waiting.
Lisa: Hey, where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited to the wedding?
Bart: Yeah. But his reply envelope just had a check to the gas company in it.
Bart: (Imitating Grampa and Jacqueline) Don't forget the Smeckler's powder.
Grampa and Jacqueline: Don't make fun!
Marge: Homey, you know, it's funny. Both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.
Homer: (chuckling) That is funny.
Marge: I have a neat idea. Why don't you get my mother and we can go out to dinner?
Grampa: I'll be back in a jiffy! (gets an old lady in a wheelchair)
Marge: That's not my mother!
Grampa: I'll be back in a jiffy!
Old Lady: Can I come too?
(Homer rolls up his car window)
Old Lady: Oh.
Oh, it's not a swindle. What you do is, see, you give them all your credit card numbers, and if one of them is lucky, they send you a prize.
Grampa
No groaning in my store.
Comic Book Guy
