(to Dr. Melfi) I gave my little daughter a car to rub her face in shit, and you're telling me I did something noble.

Tony

Carmela: What kind of animal smokes marijuana at his own confirmation?
A.J.: I don't know.
Carmela: Be a good Catholic for fifteen fucking minutes; is that so much to ask?!

Dr. Melfi: It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
Tony: Fucking Internet.

Tony: (on AJ) He tells me he's got no purpose.
Dr. Melfi: And how did you answer him?
Tony: I told him that it costs 150 grand to bring him up so far, so if he's got no purpose I want a fucking refund.

(to AJ on Carmela) She knows that even if God is dead, you're still going to kiss his ass.

Tony

Carmela: You could have killed those girls.
A.J.: Now that would have been interesting.
Carmela: What? What did you just say?
A.J.: Death just shows the ultimate absurdity of life.
Tony: What is this? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper? Cause I'm about to put you through that Goddamn window.
A.J.: See? That's what I mean. Life is absurd.
Carmela: Don't say that! God forgive you.
A.J.: There is no God.

Christopher: Let that one (points to Sandra Bernhard) call that one (points to Janeane Garofalo) "buchiach."
Janeane Garofalo: That sounds more interesting.
Director: Uh, buch- what?
Christopher: Buchiach. (motions to Sandra) If she's from Brooklyn...
Janeane Garofalo: That sounds okay.
Jon Favreau: Okay, let's roll. What does it mean?
Christopher: Cunt.
Jon Favreau: Cunt-I like that.

Swingers? He can suck my dick; that swings, too.

Christopher

(to Tony) In your family, even motherhood is up for debate.

Dr. Melfi
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