Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: Hey, how's the intensines?
Charlie: Clean as a whistle... it's the city's problem now

Charlie: Maybe we can sweeten her vocals with a little reverb, echo, play a little guitar over it?
Studio Guy: We can play car horns and barking dogs over it, it won't help

Charlie: Anyway, she said I have to resolve the conflict because my emotions are strongly attached to my lower intestine
Alan: That makes a certain amount of sense. You think with your penis and your heads up your ass

Dr. Freeman: How's work?
Charlie: It's been pretty slow. Thankfully the house is paid off, the pension is funded, and I've give up prostitutes. Really all I need is drinking money... what's that, a couple grand a month?
Dr. Freeman: Sounds about right

Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry

Displaying all 7 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 1 Quotes

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry