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Two-and-a-half-men

Rose: I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Charlie: Rose, I thought you were in England.
Rose: I was asked to leave.

Jake: Do you really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and then you pick me up when we're done.

Charlie: Mommy, I don't feel good.
Evelyn: Oh, Charles, don't tell me you've got another case of the Bangkok drippy-drip.

Rose got you sick? It had nothing to do with you sticking your tongue down the throat of a flu-riddled bimbo?

Alan

Charlie: You can use this.
Lulu: Nasal spray... thank you, Charlie, that's so thoughtful.
Charlie: Well, you are gonna need to breathe through your nose.

Jake: Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?
Rose: Maybe. We'll see how your uncle's feeling. He's very, very sick.
Alan: So, basically, what we're saying here is, you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Jake: Not anybody. I wouldn't go with Hitler.

Berta: What's wrong with you?
Charlie: I caught something.
Berta: There's a surprise.

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