Two and a Half Men

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Two and a half men
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Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke

And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy

Alan

Evelyn [about the funeral]: I'm gonna need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?

Alan [about the funeral]: Jake, you're coming with us.
Jake: I don't wanna!
Charlie: Are you sure? You get to see a real dead guy.
Jake: There's gonna be a dead guy? Where?
Alan: ... At the funeral.
Jake: Oh, cool! Can I come

Evelyn [about her second husband]: I just can't believe he's gone.
Charlie: Isn't that why we're going to the funeral, to make sure?

Alan: How do you sleep at night?
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody

Evelyn [to Charlie]: Laugh now, but when I die I'll come back to haunt you. [she leaves]
Charlie [to Alan]: How will that be any different from this

Displaying all 7 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 21 Quotes

Alan: How do you sleep at night?
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody

Evelyn [to Charlie]: Laugh now, but when I die I'll come back to haunt you. [she leaves]
Charlie [to Alan]: How will that be any different from this