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Alan [talking about Chloe]: So where did you find this one?
Charlie: The animal shelter.
Alan: Are we getting a pet?
Charlie: Are you crazy? We've already got your kid

Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan: I don't scream when I pee?

Berta: See, my problem is that I'm a giver. I love too much. And it's always the wrong man.
Fernando: You have romance in your heart.
Berta: Oh, I have romance all over me. I reek of it

Charlie: You look at an animal shelter and see homeless dogs and kitties about to be put to death. Me? I see an ass farm.
Alan: OK, I'm speechless.
Charlie: No words necessary - silent admiration is all I ask

Fernando: Is the big one here?
Charlie: She went to get something waxed.
Alan: We were afraid to ask what

Jake: She brought soup!
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug. So she assumed it was bronchial. If you had been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Jake: And I bet they don't bring soup, either

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