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Two-and-a-half-men

Berta: Charlie, you got somebody in there?
Charlie: Uh, no.
Berta: I need to get your towels.
Charlie: Uh, I really wish you wouldn't.
Berta: Come on, I'm doing laundry. I want to finish a load before I go.
Charlie: Yeah, well, me too.
Berta: What?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go away!
Berta: All right. If it helps, you can think of me.

Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Doctor [at a vasectomy consultation]: Actually, you'll be able to perform the same way you did before.
Charlie: Great. But what about creativity? You see, I write music for a living. Will I still be able to do that?
Doctor: Do you write with your testicles?
Charlie: No.
Doctor: Then it shouldn't be a problem

Doctor: Now, let me ask you a question. Do you have children already?
Charlie: No.
Doctor: Okay, then you might want to consider freezing some sperm, just in case you change your mind.
Charlie: Frozen sperm? I don't know.
Doctor: Why not?
Charlie: Well, you know, when you freeze shrimp, it's never as good as fresh.
Doctor: That's really not the same thing.
Charlie: So you know for a fact that frozen kids are just as good as the regulars?

Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?

Displaying all 6 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 24 Quotes

Doctor: Now, let me ask you a question. Do you have children already?
Charlie: No.
Doctor: Okay, then you might want to consider freezing some sperm, just in case you change your mind.
Charlie: Frozen sperm? I don't know.
Doctor: Why not?
Charlie: Well, you know, when you freeze shrimp, it's never as good as fresh.
Doctor: That's really not the same thing.
Charlie: So you know for a fact that frozen kids are just as good as the regulars?

Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?

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