Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men "Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair" Quotes

Chelsea: You do realize jake just snuck out of the house...
Charlie: He's grounded, how else is he supposed to leave?
 • Rating: 2.7 / 5.0

Charlie: I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart stuck in my foot.
Chelsea: Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie: No. Having sex right over the hedge across from where the kids were playing lawn darts was crazy.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I don't know how to tell you this, but your bangs are dripping down your face.
Alan: Little lesson for you. There's two things you never wanted to buy on the cheap: canned hair and condoms.
Charlie: I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
Alan: No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken marsala the evening was pretty well shot.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Do I have to remind you of the Japanese penis enlargement system you own?
Alan: That's not what caused the rupture.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Charlie: Like Propecia?
Alan: Better. It's from eastern Europe where they don't have to worry about all those pesky FDA regulations.
Charlie: There's a monkey on the label.
Alan: It's not a monkey, it's the inventor.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Charlie: This is the beginning of the end. First our sex life goes to hell. Then we start eating dinner at 4:30, watching reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, then at nine o'clock, we pee, shake hands and go to sleep.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Charlie: So you're gonna spend the rest of your life spraying your head like it's a freeway underpass?
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Are we missing your favorite quote from "Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!