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Two-and-a-half-men

Chelsea: You do realize jake just snuck out of the house...
Charlie: He's grounded, how else is he supposed to leave?

Charlie: I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart stuck in my foot.
Chelsea: Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie: No. Having sex right over the hedge across from where the kids were playing lawn darts was crazy.

Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.

Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.

Charlie: I don't know how to tell you this, but your bangs are dripping down your face.
Alan: Little lesson for you. There's two things you never wanted to buy on the cheap: canned hair and condoms.
Charlie: I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
Alan: No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken marsala the evening was pretty well shot.

Charlie: Do I have to remind you of the Japanese penis enlargement system you own?
Alan: That's not what caused the rupture.

Charlie: Like Propecia?
Alan: Better. It's from eastern Europe where they don't have to worry about all those pesky FDA regulations.
Charlie: There's a monkey on the label.
Alan: It's not a monkey, it's the inventor.

Charlie: This is the beginning of the end. First our sex life goes to hell. Then we start eating dinner at 4:30, watching reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, then at nine o'clock, we pee, shake hands and go to sleep.

So you're gonna spend the rest of your life spraying your head like it's a freeway underpass?

Charlie

Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.

Charlie: Clean underwear?
Jake: Cleanish.
Charlie: Not good enough. With underwear there's no grey area.
Jake: Don't worry, it's not grey.
Charlie: Anything but white is unacceptable.
Jake: In that case, then I better change.

You usually grab my ass like you're holding a tree trunk in a hurricane. This time it was more like you were palming a couple cantaloupe at the supermarket.

Charlie
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 13 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 9 Quotes

You usually grab my ass like you're holding a tree trunk in a hurricane. This time it was more like you were palming a couple cantaloupe at the supermarket.

Charlie

Berta: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner.
Jake: I am, but I thought if I eat first I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick.
Berta: Good idea, then you'll have the whole rest of the night to make her sick.
Jake: Exactly. Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.

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