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Chelsea: You do realize jake just snuck out of the house...
Charlie: He's grounded, how else is he supposed to leave?

Charlie: I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart stuck in my foot.
Chelsea: Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie: No. Having sex right over the hedge across from where the kids were playing lawn darts was crazy.

Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.

Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.

Charlie: I don't know how to tell you this, but your bangs are dripping down your face.
Alan: Little lesson for you. There's two things you never wanted to buy on the cheap: canned hair and condoms.
Charlie: I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
Alan: No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken marsala the evening was pretty well shot.

Charlie: Do I have to remind you of the Japanese penis enlargement system you own?
Alan: That's not what caused the rupture.

Charlie: Like Propecia?
Alan: Better. It's from eastern Europe where they don't have to worry about all those pesky FDA regulations.
Charlie: There's a monkey on the label.
Alan: It's not a monkey, it's the inventor.

Charlie: This is the beginning of the end. First our sex life goes to hell. Then we start eating dinner at 4:30, watching reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, then at nine o'clock, we pee, shake hands and go to sleep.

So you're gonna spend the rest of your life spraying your head like it's a freeway underpass?

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